grey day

I keep backspacing today. I have the perfect time to write, ready, set...

And I just keep on backspacing. Eh, nevermind. Ugh, who cares. Oh, wait we still have some ginger snap cookies! I'm not sure if it's the intimidating presence of awesome writers on about a jillion blogs or the negativity in my head from assuming that I didn't get a part, and I didn't get that writing job...or what, but I feel a little defeated. A little why -even -try.

Although knowing me, I just have to ramble until I get any juice.

I've kind of been craving baby. I'm hesitant to say it, it's such an odd thing. It's an idea, a fantasy. An idea of wholeness, of family. When I first got together with J, we automatically knew we wanted kids, but it seemed so far away. It's seeming so much more real now. Like, in my body or something. And I find myself second-guessing it because well, really? Am I really ready for something like that? I'm still so young. But the thing is, after all I've been through this past year, I've learned that everything in the media, in society, from my mother tells me that I can't trust myself. That I'm not capable. That if I need answers I need to seek them, that I couldn't possibly innately hold them inside of me. So I've learned to tune those out (for the most part, it's a practice) and fill up my own space. Readiness doesn't lie in your skill, it's not a meter and ding-ding-ding-you're-ready; readiness lies in your willingness to take the leap. In your willingness to extend yourself, to rise to the challenge, to commit. Otherwise you live your whole life on the edge because you're never “ready” to jump.

J and I have an age difference so we'd like to start sooner than later. Also, my parents aren't that young and I've always wanted them to have a real relationship with my kids. When I was little, my grandparents were already so old so I felt I didn't get the relationship I wish I had with them. Being an only child, I'm the only one that will carry my parents' memory, the only one left of the family eventually, and it's important to me for my children to have solid memories and relationships with them, selfishly, so that I'm not alone.

It also doesn't help that a few of my friends are starting to prepare for pregnancy/thinking about it- and holy shit, how am I at that part of my life? Where I have friends who go to naturopaths to prepare their body for baby? Where I get excited over a baby book coming out this year? It's so crazy as you get older to see parts of your life that were dreams actually start to form. I'm actually becoming the person that I am...my roots are getting wings.

It's annoying how much is involved for us though, since neither one of us makes sperm. I'd love to do the whole “we'll see what happens” thing, but we can't. We have to consciously do this thing.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with the whole making offspring thing.

When did you first start feeling “it”? Have you ever felt “it”? How do you know it's real? What are your reasons for waiting to make babies, or your reasons for moving full steam ahead? When did you know you wanted kids, or didn't?