I had a rough night last night. I went
to a yoga class at a studio that I rarely go to, not my “home”
studio, in an effort to get out of my head and grounded into my body.
I have been feeling a bit of body anxiety the past week or two,
understandably, as there is so much going on right now. After bow
pose, when you rest for a moment on your stomach, I always hate that
I hear my heartbeat so loudly in my boobs. I feel it pounding into
the ground. And it's only on one side because, you know, your heart
is on one side, but hearing this little muscle go from really loud to
“wait, where'd it go?!?!” always freaks me out. I get a little
moment of panic in the second where the loud throbbing heartbeat all
of the sudden runs away. I know it's just my body doing it's thing,
but it scares me. It reminds me that I am a body, made up of working
parts, and that I am just a girl swimming in mortality.
I came home, did some breathing
exercises, tried to lean into the anxiety, to welcome it in. This is
something I have been working on that's been helping. The fear of
the fear is the problem, is what creates even more panic. The
natural urge to distract myself, to make the feelings go away is what
creates even more tension and sends the message to my insides that
yes, there really is something to be afraid of, and that you can't
handle it. In the past (almost) year, I've been forced to learn
about my fears, my anxieties, where they come from, and how I can
welcome them, how I can rewrite the scripts that play in my head.
When you accept the challenge, when you open that door and are
willing to feel it all, you learn and grow so much but you also
invite it ALL in. Despite how overwhelming it's been, I can
honestly say that my panic has been one of the best things that has
ever happened to me. It has forced me to reconnect to my
spirituality, to my intrinsic connection to this Earth. It has
forced me to stop abandoning myself, to keep listening. It has
taught me to embrace every feeling, to hold the shadow and the light
in equal value. To welcome all feelings with equal compassion.
It has brought so much knowledge and
awareness into my life. It has caused me to go back to school to
study psychology. It has caused me to consciously make the choice to
believe my courage rather than my fears – because I do get to make
the choice of who I want to believe. It has taught me to listen to
that voice in my acting. It has taught me to listen to that voice in
my relationships.
It's not easy, it's actually the
hardest thing I've ever done. As painful as it's been, I wouldn't
trade the awareness I've gained for the world. Sure, it would be
awesome if I was born one of those people that never has a care in
the world, but that's not me. And I choose to view my anxiety as a
gift, as my smoke signal to connection to existence and spirit. I
choose to view my sensitivities as gifts, not problems that need
fixing. Because that very mentality is so detrimental.
If you struggle with anxiety or panic,
there is nothing wrong with you. What's wrong is the fact that
culturally we aren't raised with the tools to learn from our
feelings, to embrace ALL feeling and to observe them, to be mindful
of them. Because we are not our thoughts or our feelings. Our
thoughts and feelings are reflections of our inner world, and there
is so much healing and peace to be gained by choosing to learn from
them instead of living IN them. Inner peace and healing come from
feeling every shade of every feeling, not from only feeling a certain
spectrum of feeling, a narrow spectrum that is acceptable and
celebrated. The more we observe and embrace each feeling, no matter
how painful, the more we invite them in, the less tension we will
feel inside, the quicker the brewing storm clouds can dissolve into
rain and wash through us.
So yes, this week has been hard. I'm
dealing with a lot of painful feelings from my mother. I'm having to
constantly hold my own hand and remind myself that I am doing just
fine, that I am loved wholly for who I am. I just ordered my wedding
dress, like for real. Holy cow it was so surreal. (Did you catch
that rhyme? I'm also considering becoming a rapper) The first time I
tried it on, back in December, and was pretty sure I had found the
one, I was so calm and no-big-deal. This time, when I tried it on
again...as “the dress” and got measurements and all that, boyyyy
did I feel some panic. And yes, I am saying online that I felt panic
when I put on my wedding dress because this shit needs to be said.
It needs to be normalized. You're making the biggest decision of
your life so far, aside from bringing other little lives into the
world, and it's completely normal (and sane!) to freak out a bit, or
a lot. I was standing there in the gown that will usher me into the
New Me. The gown that represents my new identity, and the letting go
of the old one. The dress that when I put it on I will be a single
girl, a daughter, and when I take it off I will be married, a wife,
will have birthed a brand new family. So it's huge. And it needs to
be treated as such.
Oh, and last night at 4 am Starbelly
threw up a Christmas ornament. I knew she wasn't feeling well
yesterday afternoon – she did that thing where she tries to put
everything in her mouth and acts like she's going to throw up. She
was fine by nighttime though. So when we woke up to her having
thrown up, and noticing a Christmas ornament from our tree in the
remains....well, I was worried. She seemed fine and went back to
sleep, we cleaned up and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep for
awhile as I was listening really intently to see if she got up or was
making strange noises. I was worried and couldn't relax. I felt as
if I might as well had swallowed the ornament. As I laid in bed
trying to let it go, I thought of how J was easily back asleep. I
thought of how if I were out of town, she would have simply cleaned
it up, gone back to sleep, and not given it a second thought. She is
not a worrier. I thought of how if I were not home, I wouldn't have
had any control or responsibility over this, and there would be peace
in our home- J and puppy sleeping soundly as if nothing had happened.
I knew that I was the one keeping the fear awake, cause everyone
else in my house was so over it. I tried my best to let go, and
eventually fell asleep. It's simple things like that that make me
grateful for the peace of my fiance. The peace she encourages me to
strive for (by simply being herself, not by words), to simply let go. I might not be completely worry free
and I might never be, but it's the little things like the ease in
which the rest of my family falls back asleep that reminds me that
things are okay, that I'm not alone, that I can let go. And those
things bring a smile to my heart and a warmth to my soul.
(As a disclaimer and in defense of
myself, while I may be a worrier, I've got lots of great qualities
that balance J's and Starbelly's and I keep this family running
smoothly. No one packs a breakfast like me, and no one hugs the lady
at the cleaner's like me. Oh, and I am freaking awesome at getting up
in the middle of the night when the dog needs to go out in under 2.5
minutes. So there.)
So the Atlantic this month's cover story is on anxiety. It is written by the editor-in-chief and talks about how he has dealt with anxiety for his whole life. It is written as a memoir/so other people don't feel so alone piece. You may want to check it out (not sure if it is online or just in the printed version).
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you didn't need the disclaimer. I sometimes feel like all I bring to our relationship is the lady parts (since Kevin is so good at everything!) but I guess those are enough ;-)
Ironically, I did see that magazine in the lobby of my therapist's office but only had time to skim through it ;) I will definitely have to read the full thing. :)
Delete