Friday, May 23, 2014

two weeks!!!

I cannot believe that in two weeks we will be in Boulder, on the night before our wedding.  We have SO much to do it feels like in these next fourteen days...We are both so ready for all the things to just be  done.  It's so surreal how close it is, two weeks is nothing.  In two weeks, we will have rings on our fingers and be married!! It's crazy.

The things that are hitting me now are...nerves, excitement, sadness, joy..just a swirling of all different emotions.  I'm nervous about people looking at me, about walking down the aisle, about the fact that it's *our* thing, I hope people have a great time, yadda yadda.  Excited because...well I think it will be an awesome time and can't wait to see everyone together in one space and because we are getting married!  And of course, as highly sensitive me always does, I feel the sadness and the mourning of the end of an era - with this marking of time passing it brings up the ache of mortality and all of its trappings.  Feelings around my parents, around my own mortality, and around my fiance's.  Joy because this seems like its too good to be true, like I can't believe this wedding weekend is actually happening.  Our wedding plans kind of evolved organically, we didn't have a specific idea when we started looking at venues, but somehow this turned out to the wedding I always dreamed of.  Everyone staying in cabins,  mountains, a creek, nature....It's like my Washington dream wedding but in Colorado.

I'm a little stressed about the decor stuff..making sure it doesn't look too plain and wanting it to look really great and resemble us..but at the same time, I *want* to be over caring about that stuff, but I have to care a little right now in order to get it done.

This is such an incoherent post but I figured why not, haven't posted in a while, and I'm also trying to distract myself from the anxiety around my dentist appointment in two hours (fourth and last cavity filling thank you very much not at all).

I'm also excited to be married and the rooting and empowerment that comes with it so that I can refocus on my career. This past year has been a whirlwind and I was blown off my regular path to tend to my inner world in a huge way, but I am excited to start getting back into the world and putting my energy back into acting (the business part of it-ick), writing, making some money, and maybe changing this site around into something more meaningful that DOES something, I don't know.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

put a ring on it or don't. either way is fine.

Apparently, everyone is "losing their bananas for peonies", according to Hitched Magazine.  Funny how you don't know things are "trends" until someone tells you..I've been drooling over them for months.  J got me this big, thick copy of Hitched magazine on my birthday because she knows I love to look at pretty, artsy looking things on pages and be a total girl.  I believe the magazine is Australian and it comes across more as an editorial-funky-art-wedding magazine than a regular magazine.  The cover was awesome and slightly dark and the whole book itself is art, really.  I don't know what you call the texture, but it's a rougher, thicker texture unlike a regular magazine.  I followed the creator on instagram and was contemplating emailing them asking if I could do any job-y thing for them from here in LA..Until one of their pages they wrote something about wearing animal print and fur.  Goodbye, hitched.  I got that sinking feeling of how-can-i-read-this-i-can't-believe-i-just-read-the-word-fur.  I just can't believe in this day and age the fashion industry, or anyone with any authority or audience whatsoever, is still acting like fur is okay.  (Which is why I despise Anna Wintour of Vogue)  You have a responsibility when you have power and you better use that shit for good.  Educate yourself.  ANYWAY.  I then got to a piece where the writer where the topic was "proposal without a ring?" and just the whole tone of the piece was drenched in WIC goo and I was unaware that was an issue? Don't people do that all the time?  Who cares if there is a ring or not...right? Once again, I realized how spoiled I have been by A Practical Wedding.  Thank god for sanity and heart in place of shallow-superior-complex bullshit.  

Let's get this straight: There is no one way to do things, ever.  If you want to propose with a diamond, lovely.  If you want to propose with a picture of a goat, perfect.  If you both start planning a wedding and there wasn't a "proposal", great!  It really bothers me the way weddings are sold.  As if they are all some package deal that everyone needs in order to have a special day.  I cringe to read some of these magazines.  You don't *need* any of that.  Your wedding will be special and wonderful because you are getting married. Period.  

If the goat idea sparked your fancy, feel free to print these suckers out and get on your knees (or remain standing):

Wednesday, May 7, 2014


Yesterday was my birthday (and Freud's!).  Today is the first chance I am getting to just sit and breathe for a second as the last two weeks have been chalk-full of deadlines and dentist appointments ( I am never getting a cavity again, ever) and doctor visits.  Just so we're clear, I do not do well with these things.  My nerves have been on an electric trampoline for quite a few days..

I noticed the buildup of feeling as my birthday approached - it's crazy (and magical) how your body and psyche have their own well of wisdom and rhythm.  Birthdays are transitions, and I could feel the pot starting to stir and simmer.  Like I've written about many times, time passing is something I have always mourned and struggled with as a kid. (If you have too, I recommend this book.)  Moving forward means you are no longer in the past, it means letting go; you can't have it all.  My soul aches for my childhood and for every single second that I will never revisit.  I wish I could record everything.  Its why I start songs over when they get three quarters of the way through because I hate endings and never want the emotional universe I'm in to stop.  Especially as I get into the "adult" years, birthdays stir up my subconscious knowing that we are mortal and that people I love will leave one day.  That I will leave one day.  It   doesn't matter how far off it is- my insides feel life's thin skin despite it's sturdy body.  I become so acutely aware of the groundlessness and I feel it in my bones.  I crave a tether, an anchor.  When I am really busy and don't have the time to sit and make space for my feelings, when I stuff them down in order to function throughout a busy day, that's when the storm mutates into bodily anxiety, which then triggers the panic.  This morning I was able to take some time for my feelings and surrender to the space of the unknown.  When I am able to just let go, to submit to the current, when I can touch upon the gold nuggets of sadness, grief, and fear, I simultaneously am able to bring my joy, gratitude, love, connection, and my warm-melting-heart into the light.  I  like to think of feelings as weather.  Our pain, sorrow, and grief are clouds that must be felt and released in order to experience true sunlight.  If I'm afraid of the rain, I only thicken the clouds' coverage. Our feelings encompass such a beautiful spectrum, such rich fruits that this existence bears.

J had the day off yesterday so we were able to celebrate our anniversary of engagement (my birthday last year!) and my birthday together.  We did several wedding errands and had breakfast at my favorite vegan restaurant in our neighborhood (I say neighborhood and not universe because our dinner date changed everything!).  We had dinner reservations at this new-ish fancy vegan restaurant called Crossroads.  The chef that opened it is the chef that catered Ellen and Portia's I knew it would be amazing.  What I didn't know is that my body would be transported to a world of chocolate tulips and a secret handshake with Britney Spears.  HOLY SHIT.  That place was amazing.  Seriously the food was possibly the best I have had ever.  They really know what they are doing there.  They even refold your napkin and place it on the table when you go the bathroom.  We got lots of little plates to share: hearts of palm calamari, crabcakes, lasagna, chicken parmesan, fava bean soup, tortelloni and chocolate mint pie for dessert.  It was insane.  We had a wonderful date night and finally got a picture taken of us that wasn't a selfie.
Soon to be spouses

I wanted to photograph all of the food at dinner but it didn't seem like the type of place to take a phone out at dinner (YES!) but here are leftovers of the glorious chicken parmesan.  Sorry if leftovers aren't enticing to you.  They are to me, and the longer I can extend the memory of those morsels of God, the better.

oh god yes.

OH. Forgot to mention that two seats down from J was the actor who plays James on Scandal. And Moby was behind me (of course he was).

I also just started this new year off with a badly badly needed pair of new Converses.  My old faithfuls died awhile back; their battered body remains on the deck...I listened to the Distillers all the way to the store and back.  I've still got it, I swearrrrrrrr.

Friday, May 2, 2014

the thieves of joy

I had last night to myself which was supposed to a mommy-daughter girls' night (Starbelly and I) of Lifetime movies, girly internet things, candles, and tequila.  We only had an inch of tequila left in the freezer, and Sins of the Preacher was a Lifetime movie that I had seen many, many times before.  This usually never bothers me, but this wasn't one of my favorites.  Not quite bad enough, and not quite good enough.  So I hopped on the internet.  It started with reading other people's blogs.  Not even people I follow, or care about, and the more I read the more I felt the sinking feeling inside.  These girls' blogs are so..."professional" looking, for one.  And everyone talks in this chirpy tone, in soundbites, that makes it seem as if their life is as sea-foam green and pink as their template design.  Like they are selling something, and aren't they?  Selling this picture of their life, their image?  It bothers me how it affects me since I don't want to be those people, but then why do I feel so icky afterwards?  I don't like the pedestal having a blog seems to insinuate that you think you stand on.  That was never my intention for a blog.  I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it.

And then it went from blog world to Facebook, so seamlessly, as I scanned people's lives through my screen.  My career right now is at a bit of a standstill.  I was really excited about a project, like SO excited about a project that I was cast in,a dream role, and now it didn't raise the hoped-for funding this past month.  I was so excited to have that project under my belt right before getting married.  It would have been a real confidence boost for me and in a silly way, make me feel "legitimate" enough to get married.  And there's the disillusionment of timelines - there is no "right" order to do things, I know that, and I also know that many of the actors I look up to spent years and years struggling before getting anywhere.  But I won't lie, it's triggering for me to see others seem to move along so easily.  It's not about fixing where I am, it's about accepting where I am.  And money plays a big part in the shame that comes along with a career in a muddied mid-launch, no where near the stars.  I have to remind myself that while I don't bring home the tofu, I bring home a lot.  I make a lot of the home that the tofu is brought to.  I work on my acting, my writing, I take care of my body, I'm in school pursuing something I am extremely passionate about, I'm a good fiance, a good mama to my puppy, I try to encourage people to see themselves as whole and perfect and valuable just as they are, and I'm a good friend.  I can take these feelings of "not enough" or career-shame and feel them without letting them define me.

and on a totally side note: Funfetti wedding cake or no?