Tuesday, January 7, 2014

grey day

I keep backspacing today. I have the perfect time to write, ready, set...

And I just keep on backspacing. Eh, nevermind. Ugh, who cares. Oh, wait we still have some ginger snap cookies! I'm not sure if it's the intimidating presence of awesome writers on about a jillion blogs or the negativity in my head from assuming that I didn't get a part, and I didn't get that writing job...or what, but I feel a little defeated. A little why -even -try.

Although knowing me, I just have to ramble until I get any juice.

I've kind of been craving baby. I'm hesitant to say it, it's such an odd thing. It's an idea, a fantasy. An idea of wholeness, of family. When I first got together with J, we automatically knew we wanted kids, but it seemed so far away. It's seeming so much more real now. Like, in my body or something. And I find myself second-guessing it because well, really? Am I really ready for something like that? I'm still so young. But the thing is, after all I've been through this past year, I've learned that everything in the media, in society, from my mother tells me that I can't trust myself. That I'm not capable. That if I need answers I need to seek them, that I couldn't possibly innately hold them inside of me. So I've learned to tune those out (for the most part, it's a practice) and fill up my own space. Readiness doesn't lie in your skill, it's not a meter and ding-ding-ding-you're-ready; readiness lies in your willingness to take the leap. In your willingness to extend yourself, to rise to the challenge, to commit. Otherwise you live your whole life on the edge because you're never “ready” to jump.

J and I have an age difference so we'd like to start sooner than later. Also, my parents aren't that young and I've always wanted them to have a real relationship with my kids. When I was little, my grandparents were already so old so I felt I didn't get the relationship I wish I had with them. Being an only child, I'm the only one that will carry my parents' memory, the only one left of the family eventually, and it's important to me for my children to have solid memories and relationships with them, selfishly, so that I'm not alone.

It also doesn't help that a few of my friends are starting to prepare for pregnancy/thinking about it- and holy shit, how am I at that part of my life? Where I have friends who go to naturopaths to prepare their body for baby? Where I get excited over a baby book coming out this year? It's so crazy as you get older to see parts of your life that were dreams actually start to form. I'm actually becoming the person that I am...my roots are getting wings.

It's annoying how much is involved for us though, since neither one of us makes sperm. I'd love to do the whole “we'll see what happens” thing, but we can't. We have to consciously do this thing.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with the whole making offspring thing.
When did you first start feeling “it”? Have you ever felt “it”? How do you know it's real? What are your reasons for waiting to make babies, or your reasons for moving full steam ahead? When did you know you wanted kids, or didn't?


  1. I've meaning to come comment on this for awhile but I'm not sure how to answer. I know all through my 20s I didn't really want kids, really at all. But then I remember having a conversation with Kevin before I quit my job and followed him across the country where I made clear that marriage and kids needed to be on the table (because he wasn't really into either and I felt like that was the choice I was being forced to make/it was too soon for me to make that choice). So I must have at least been open to them then (at 29).

    I think I've had full on baby fever for about a year now and it probably coincided with a few things (1) all of my friends have had babies in the last few years and (2) I've always wanted one before 35 and at 33 (with 9 months to make the thing) time is running short and (3) we are settled - not moving, in serious stable jobs settled. The last one makes a difference. I've also been waiting for Kevin to be ready and he finally is. So we are officially trying (no luck yet).

    Your situation is a bit different since you are really young (early 20s right?) and need to actively go out and try (J is a woman right?). I would not have been anywhere near ready in my early to mid twenties (I had a lot of shit to work out and thank god I didn't have a baby with the men I was with then!) but I'm definitely ready now. I feel like I've lived enough just for me that I'll be happy to sacrifice the time/money a child will take. And not that you can't have hobbies/travel/etc with kids (I plan to) it will definitely be a shift. Like Disney cruise vs. hiking every day in Montana.

    I read a couple of lesbian pregnancy blogs http://twomomsmakearight.com/ (this one has turned into an infertility blog since they have had trouble conceiving; and I recently discovered http://twomamasonebaby.wordpress.com/ You might be interested in them.

    I do sometimes feel really sad that my mom will not get much time with my kid. She had me at 35 and it looks like I'll be around 35 when I have mine. At 70, she won't be able to form the kind of relationship I so wish they'd have. But we all make choices in life and deal with the minuses.

    Have you decided which of you would carry/how you would work that all out? Good luck!

    1. Hi! I just discovered the twomamasonebaby blog (I think through you or onwingingit somehow??) and I love it!! I also just found through googling a site called www.earlymama.com (redefining the young mom) which I have found really empowering and different. Yep, J is female and I would be the one carrying the kiddos. I'm young so hoping it will be relatively easy, or at least not too difficult, to get pregnant but we would love to use her eggs too, but freezing eggs is so expensive :( She's also older like I said so we have to think about the quality of her eggs as well.

      I always imagined having my career going (like, really going) before having kids but as time goes on it's not as easy as I'd like it to be. And honestly, I don't want when we have kids to be determined by my career- there are too many other factors going on - like I said, parents' age is HUGE to me, J's age...and aside from that, ever since making our home together and our relationship, I started to see kids a lot sooner. I figured we'd always feel when the time was right and I just kind of feel in my gut it's the next step, in definitely no sooner than 2 years of course, but still, that will go by fast. And my career can be pretty crazy, sure it's doable but I've started to see that it might actually be beneficial to get started on kids before the insanity of the career. Oh, and the thing about my parents' age- I know that my being an only child is a huge factor in those feelings.

      It's interesting being all baby-eyed at this age. But then again, I've always felt this is my path- where so many people say things like you did about thank god you didn't have kids with men you were with in your early twenties- and that's what I'm noticing, is that a lot of the mentality of waiting to have kids obviously comes from the peoples' lives/paths - when I'm getting married young and have always been pretty...old, ha. So it just seems normal to me, I don't really see age.

      Anyway, I can't wait to read about your pregnancy story! :) good luck to you!!