Monday, December 30, 2013


So. Christmas has come and gone and I'm sitting in the eye of it all watching the pieces of fake snow fall to the bottom of the snow-globe. It's quiet for now. I feel a bit like Rose from the Titanic wondering where the hell my diamond necklace went and did that ship really just sink?? Because I was just, like, sunbathing and wearing a cool hat. . .

I now understand the universal eye- roll over holiday cheese that gets poured annually over Facebook and all of social media. I get it now. It's hard when you can't post a picture of you and your mom with the caption “My Best Friend!!” or write about how blessed you are to have spent such a special time with your family..I loved seeing my family, but I didn't love the feelings that came with it.

The thing about family is that it often holds the blueprints of your past wounds and insecurities. The ones that you are constantly trying to heal, the framing that you are constantly trying to rework. From birth, we've had a relationship with our mothers. We didn't consciously form this relationship. It was something that was instilled in us from our first breath, before we knew anything about true unconditional love or setting healthy boundaries for that matter. They literally taught us to speak, taught us how to cope with our feelings, how to respond to others, and how to love our selves. But our mothers are humans too, and at some point in our life, it dawns on us: we have to become our new parent. They weren't always right. We are actually pretty smart and fully capable. We might actually know a thing or two. We are perfect and whole just as we are. We are worthy of happiness just as we are.

The river that flows between mother and daughter can get so muddy. With so much dirt washing up on your shore, you start to wonder if some of it actually is yours. If maybe you had done something differently...that maybe you are the one not seeing clearly...that if you had only ---

And then you realize how accustomed you've become of the mud on the beach. Because of it, you stopped swimming. You became afraid of the current. You stopped putting your toes in. You started to avoid the beach altogether. Because you'd rather pretend it didn't exist than to have to spend the energy to wash off the mud again. You stopped asserting yourself. You lost your self-trust. You started to love yourself conditionally. You questioned your worth. Because you'd rather not get hurt. Because as contradictory as it sounds, it's easier to believe it's your fault than to feel the pain and helplessness of your mother not seeing you for who you are.

Sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do but feel it all, knowing that if your body is capable of producing the feeling, it's capable of feeling the feeling. That, and trust that the waves capable of bringing the mud are also capable of washing your shore clean.

I didn't have a cute Instagram post this year on Christmas day, or have the love-fest that we had last year...but I do have hope that something brighter and bigger and richer is taking shape. It might not come in the form of some happy holiday Hallmark card, but maybe it will come in the form of a stronger partnership with my fiance, a stronger partnership with myself, more self-trust, and firmly planted feet in the brand new shoes of the woman I always wanted to be (just me). Christmas sucked. I'm letting go of a lot. But I'm also gaining a lot and trusting the new year to bring rebirth and healing.

And until then, we'll be drinking the leftover alcohol and milking the Christmas tree for all it's worth.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

how to write about the holidays (when they aren't happy)

and people know who you are..

If this was anonymous, it'd be lovely, but it kinda isn't.  I wish that I had some cute pictures to post (oh wait, okay,  I do have one) but the truth is, I don't have one picture with my honey, or with anybody for that matter.

So for you bloggers out there, how do you address the not so sunny things when there's a good chance that people who read your blog know you and your family?  I know you get to pick and choose what you write, but I am really against only publishing the "good" stuff.  I believe it's detrimental and destructive and alienating.  Because that's not life.  Life is so messy sometimes you run out of poop bags and you're mid walk and some lady gives you and your pit bull the dirtiest look.  Sometimes life is so messy you end up getting "growth opportunities" on Christmas day instead of cool presents to post on Facebook. (Okay, I did get an awesome present that was posted on Facebook and you will be seeing it soon.)

So while I'm afraid to go into too many details here, I can publicly write about some things I am very thankful for.  And when you find yourself in darkness, the glimmers of light seem to be so much brighter.  And when you're getting that shot, that damn lollipop deserves some credit.

As long as I have my home with my fiance, as long as we fall asleep next to each other every night, all is calm and all is bright.

As long as I remember to love myself and be brave enough to feel these painful feelings, I am giving myself the most valuable gift of all.

As long as we have our girl Starbelly, there is a reason for the season.

I am so thankful to have an anchor in my fiance.  I'm thankful that we have created our own family unit.  I'm thankful for our traditions -the holiday ones and the everyday ones.  I'm thankful for the cute way my dog tries to sneak on the couch (even though I support the fiance's decision to keep her off it of course).  I'm thankful for my relationship with my Dad.  For growing up on a swing-set singing songs so loudly in the backyard.  I'm thankful for our beautiful tree.

I'm thankful that I can feel the pain because I know it's not bigger than me, and that it only leads me to healing and self-trust.

So Happy (and unhappy, whatever you are feeling is valid!) Saturday, and here's to a brand new episode of 48 Hour Mystery!

Saturday, December 21, 2013

here comes santa claus

Thank Santa that our visiting puppy has found a home.  Or thank Instagram and Facebook.  After lots of posting and sharing on FB and Instagram, on Wednesday night I got a text from a friend of mine (who had re-shared the post on her page) saying a girl was interested and could they come by and meet the pup.  Long story short, after a week of calling tons of animal rescues and putting up flyers and ads on craigslist, this guy is no longer in our hands and has a home with a little sibling.  

Here he is in his new home!

(taken off instagram)

 My parents are flying into San Diego today and are driving down to get them from the airport.  J is from there and her parents still live there.  We're going to show them around town for two days then drive back up to LA for Christmas here.  So in case I don't have a chance to write for a few days, have a wonderful Christmas/ holiday/whatever you do!  I can't wait for spiked hot apple cider.

PS.  I bought Kelly Clarkson's Christmas album yesterday and it's amazing if you're into that kinda thing.  Her voice blows me away on it.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Meet the Fosters

So it has just been a week of firsts! And progress!  The progress part mainly oozing from our lovely doggy Starbelly, who in the past week has graciously welcomed my best friend Squish (last week) and as of last night....stray puppy/foster dog/ whatever you want to call him.

J found this little guy at her work south of downtown LA in a parking lot.  There are lots of stray dogs around where she works, but this one was super friendly and immediately became attached to her, ended up spending the afternoon snoozing in a chair in her office.  Luckily she had a mini doggy bed in the trunk of her car!  We couldn't just leave him last night outside by her work, so we took the risk of bringing him home for the night.

A little background, Starbelly is not the most welcoming nugget.  She's generally sweet to strangers and dogs (unless a mailman outfit is involved) outside - but coming into our home?  That's a different story. We jokingly call her Kujo for a reason.  Not so funny when the future in-laws come over..or anyone for that matter.  We've tried many different approaches with her, and while her overall behavior has improved a lot in the past three years, the whole *outsiders coming into our house* thing still really gets her.  I was half expecting last night to be an exhausting, stressful, what the fuck were we thinking nightmare.  But holy moly, it really is the Christmas season because Starbelly was curious, friendly, and  as sweet as vegan eggnog.

We had them meet outside and they seemed to be cool with each other.  Once bringing them in, we kept Bells (Starbelly) on the leash for a little bit and put the visiting pooch in his bed (he's been great at making that his central location) while I tried to finish cooking dinner while monitoring the whole situation with J, who was getting out of work clothes.  Not once did we have to put Belly in the crate.  We all ate dinner in the living room together - visiting pup in his bed, Starbelly chilling out under the coffee table.  I was so. freaking. proud.  Somehow, the night ended with all four of us on the couch watching Nashville.  Seriously, this made me so happy and full of love that J joked (?) that if we ever have a dry spell she'll just bring an animal home.  It's not a bad plan.  My whole life I've dreamed of being able to give animals a home that need one, or at least help them find one.  I used to do a lot with dog adoptions and animal advocacy groups but lately my energy has gone to parenting the pit.

This morning the three of us went on a walk together and they were so adorable.  They haven't cuddled yet but I feel it's on the horizon.  Oh. and the only issue they seem to have so far is that Bells thinks the visiting pup's bowls are for her too, so she flips out when he goes over to them; I've been having to separate them to get him to eat and drink.  And maybe this is premature, but I feel like Belly has been listening to me more with the addition of the pup.  Maybe now she feels more in a pack, and recognizes that I'm the leader-she sees how I'm in charge of the new guy and sees that they are the same.  Before when it was just parent-to-pup maybe she was confused about our roles...who knows.  But so far she has been very calm and attentive and I like it :)

So now the work of finding this guy's family begins.  We're going to the vet today to see if he has a microchip, and I put an ad on craigslist.  He had on a collar with no information on it, and he's not neutered - which to me, is just, wrong and weird and kind of a red flag?  But he did seem to be taken care of so hoping we'll find his family.  I can't imagine the agony I'd be in if Starbelly was missing.

And all this in the middle of trying to get our house ready for Christmas - parents flying in from NC and Christmas day at our place.  We still have to get our tree tomorrow!  Oh well...the more the merrier - especially when they are furry and cute.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

gettin' all bridal

Wow so much to write about!  I just had one of the best weeks of my life!  I had been looking forward to this week for a very long time.  One of my bridesmaids (one out of four) was flying out here to go to bridal salon appointments with me.  I hadn't seen her forever, and I really don't have any friends here in Los Angeles - not BEST friends at least - my core soul mate group of friends is scattered across the country.  Sigh, we've all grown up.  The star of my social life is my fiance, which is wonderful (I'm kind of a homebody and particular with humans), but it was going to be awesome to have one of my best friends in person- face to face- HERE with me.

So Monday rolls around and I'm so excited.  I pick Anna up at the airport and we get delicious lunch at Veggie Grill (all vegan - I get the Buffalo Wing Salad and a side of mac n cheese!) and head home to see the puppymuffin, go on a walk, get settled, etc.  She had never seen our place so it was exciting to show her everything and walk through the neighborhood.  The fiance got home from work late that night and we were all three drinking the drink of our house- the Paloma - and watching lots of Dateline-esque shows.  Around midnight, my fiance said she needed to go get something from the car she had wanted to show us....a few minutes later one of the best moments of my life happened...

She walked in the door with  MY SQUISH.  I haven't talked about my Squish on here yet, but she is my curly-headed best friend in the world - the Melissa to my Courtney ( if you follow that reference please be my friend), the Squish to my Squirt.  We've known each other since we were ten doing community theatre together.  Squish (real name- Devan) has not seen me in LA since, like, 2009.  She has not met my dog Starbelly, or seen our home, or any of my life out here in years.  We only get to see each other when we are both back in North Carolina and lately it's been for only like hours at a time, twice a year or something.

I automatically burst into tears.  I couldn't look at her for two hours because I didn't believe she was real.  She must be a Squish Hologram.  I didn't know they started making those but apparently they did.  My amazing, wonderful, kind, thoughtful, generous, sweet, giving, perfect fiance had arranged the whole surprise, bought her tickets and everything and had kept it from me for weeks.  Seriously the best Christmas present I could ever get - hands down, the best.   We all stayed up until 3 am talking and drinking and freaking the fuck out that this was real.  It was awesome.  I have never felt so special or loved in my life- having my favorite people all in one room....It meant so much to me.

Ove the next three days we ate lots of amazing vegan food - had to introduce Squish to my favorite spots : Mohawk Bend, Bulan Thai, and of course we went to Flore.  We went to three different bridal salons and I highly recommend them if you are in the LA area:

Bride in Echo Park was awesome.  Very small and boutiquey - the salon owner Maria is so down to earth and friendly and helpful and custom makes gowns as well as carries a great selection of vintage gowns and independent designer gowns.  I tried on a vintage gown that I surprisingly loved, but don't think it was The One.  Although, if I was buying a separate reception dress I might have gotten it.  Oh and did I mention the prices are amazing??

I fell in love with this black wedding dress that I'd totally wear if I was getting married on Halloween or something!

Next we went to Claire Pettibone, who is like a Magical Fairy Woman and I'm pretty sure that she has actual fairies make her gowns.  Her salon is literally in a princess castle and is a dream come true.  Really fell in love with one which, for obvious reasons, will *not* be posted here!

On Thursday,  we went to Heaven on Earth, aka Lovely in West Hollywood. Oh. My. God.  That place is so freaking darling and adorable and I want to live in it.  I's dream bedroom.  The girl helping us, Whitney,  was soooo cool and friendly and I loved her so much I almost wanted to ask her to be a bridesmaid!  Or at least let me bring her coffee or something.  Their selection was *incredible* and SO up my alley.

Here's one that I would so wear if I was getting married on New Year's Eve:
(Oh and this is just the changing room - notice my Squish in the background- the rest of the salon is light pink with chandeliers and a giant heart shaped light installation on the wall)

I was so surprised that the style of gowns I *thought* I was going to love, the ones that live on my Pinterest board, did not end up being what looked good on my body.  When I put them on, they just didn't feel bridal enough or something.  They were gorgeous gowns but just...fell flat to me.   I ended up falling in love with a totally different kind of cut.

There's a really good chance I found the dress...

Squish and Anna are gone now and now the fiance, Starbelly, and I are like empty nesters. week until my parents get here for Christmas and we've still gotta get our tree this weekend!

I feel so so lucky and grateful right now, and can't believe I happened to find the most thoughtful person in the world to marry.  Just the other day I was listening to Hanson on the trampoline in the backyard....and now I'm establishing credit and a family of my own.  Wow.

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Proof of happy Saturday. 

happy saturday

That's right, it's a happy Saturday because I woke up to rain (okay, drizzle...well, some drips) this morning!  I'm only happy when it rains! I'm only happy when it's complicated!  I usually get antsy if I stay inside all day - unless, like this glorious day, it's raining and freezing in LA!  I saw my breath!!!  Taking the dog out was like a magic show... watching magic fog come from my mouth on every inhale and exhale...It was wonderful.  I rejoiced in the pep in my puppy's step as she too noticed the excitement in the winter storm.  It's rare that the significant other and I have two days in row off together and we have it weekend which is awesome..I've had studying to do so while I did that today she assembled things like shelves and put them up.  I made sandwiches.  The puppy slept in my lap on the couch (I've been told she is developing bad habits but its rare in her teenage days that she wants to shower me affection so if baby wants to cuddle, baby gets to cuddle).

Tonight we are cooking dinner, drinking wine, listening to the Nutcracker, putting up some decorations and trying to survive this winter storm.

Tomorrow we have Christmas-y things to go to (and no alarm clock to set!!) and then it's Monday- the day where one of my bridesmaids is getting here for a week of bridal salon appointments! Hashtag life is good. (Ewwwww did I just do that??? Yes I did!)

Thursday, December 5, 2013

the airplane.

Soooo Thanksgiving happened.  And so did a really really big, huge thing.  I flew on an airplane and was okay.  I have had a horrible, debilitating fear of flying (in planes, regular flying I'm great at) that has been an issue for me, whoever I'm flying with, and the poor people that have to bear witness to my cries....for years.

I was a scared little girl growing up.  The world inside my head is often more real to me than the world outside.  Until recently, I didn't consider myself as someone involved in an abusive relationship with Fear - I knew I "worried" about a lot growing up, but I mean, someone's gotta do the dirty work and take care of things, right?  I have always felt like the Universe and I have a eyes-meet-across-a-crowded-room thing, where it expects me to have its back.  It never occurred to me that it might have mine too.  What did occur to me was that there were very bad, scary things that could happen, like dying, or choking, or being kidnapped, or the house catching on fire, or getting stuck in an elevator, or having a freak stroke at 13 and that it was imperative that I avoided all risks and that I knew precisely how many minutes I was to the nearest hospital at all times.  Geez it was exhausting.

In the land of Fear, the airplane was enemy number one.  Scream 2 brought to life.  I didn't want to know what it did last summer, I wanted to be as far away from that metal tube in the sky (the SKY - hello?? There's nothing holding it up! Are you people insane?!) as I could.  I daydreamed about the pink, safe canoe I would build for my overseas trips since planes weren't an option.  And yes, build.

My relationship with my fiance seemed to act as a buffer between me and my fear for awhile.  Our first  plane trip to Mexico went remarkably well.  Things seemed to be All Quiet on the Panic Front for a long time.  Until dear old 2013 was born.  This year I have had a massive resurgence of panic and fear in my life (and that is a wholllleeeee other story in itself, one for another post or twenty) and my fear of flying was back.  I found myself at the mercy of my imagination, which when doused with fear can show the meanest, scariest movies on a projector in my head on repeat.  I could not imagine a day where I would be able to fly on a plane without sweating, crying, feeling faint, having a panic attack,literally losing my head or without feeling as if I just went got out of a trauma ward for a few hours after.

I've been in therapy to work with my fears and understand the purpose they serve in my life, and how I can learn to communicate with it better.  Fear and I have been in couples' counseling.  We've kind of learned to make love and conceive someone new - my Loving Adult, the part of me that is strong and wise and spiritually connected.  The part of me that doesn't need to check things on the outside in order to be safe on the inside.  I've watered her lots over the past several months and have watched her grow. The same water that nourishes Her simultaneously dilutes my fearful self, and sometimes it rains so much I float.

So with her by my side, and an audio recording my therapist made me, I made the conscious decision that this time it would be different.  That the bullying inside my head stops here.  That if I don't start making this choice now, and everyday, that my fear will continue to pummel me and I will remain caught in the current.  It wasn't easy; it took a lot of mental focus, and more than anything - self trust, which is the single-most valuable thing I have gained from this journey with anxiety and fear.  I had to take a stand, to show up for myself, to start changing the story.

As far as technical things I did to manage the fear on the plane, the number one thing I did was to use my mental focus to keep my entire body relaxed.  I told myself that my only job was to keep my entire body relaxed.  Whenever I started to think about something having to do the plane, or would start to smell the smoke of the fear fire, I told myself "Okay, but somebody else's job is the plane.  That's their job.  Your job is your body."  I kept reminding myself of that.  That this plane thing is a group effort.  We're all coming together to float through the sky and everyone has a little job to do (it helped me to imagine the people in glittery elf outfits doing cute little tasks everywhere) and my part in this is solely myself.

On that note (was there a note?), here are some resources that have helped me (aka changed my life):

The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron

Mindfulness Meditation podcasts by Lisa Dale Miller (free on Itunes!)

The work and writings of Sheryl Paul - her blog is amazing.

And at the top of my To Read list:

Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

Dying to be Me by Anita Moorjani

The Way of Transition by William Bridges

Thursday, November 21, 2013

back in the closet

So I'm not the type to write about fashion (why do I constantly have to discredit what I'm about to say before I say it) but here it goes.

The majority of my closet since about the age of seventeen has consisted of dresses and random pieces from Goodwill and thrift stores.  Really cool dresses that are totally funky and playful and channel my inner Courtney Love from the 90s.  My favorite style, basically.  My "me" clothes, my "catherine" clothes.  My "if-you-insult-this-dress-you-are-insulting-my-entire-soul" clothes.  And that was totally fine with me, and kinda still is, but as I've gotten older (HA-ripe old age of 23) and literally outgrown some of my classic-catherine outfits, or they have fallen apart, I have been dabbling in the "big girl" inspiration.  You know, the "big girl" that wears "everyday jewelry" (you mean there's something other than costume jewelry?) and - GASP - boots?!  Yes, Catherine from Closet's Past, boots.  Turns out, there's a lot of value in a good basic piece.  I can't believe I just said that, but I did.  Clothes that serve as the backdrop for the face, the person - instead of clothes that serve as the main event while the face and person are merely the easel holding up the canvas.

Now before I go on, let me say there is awesomeness in both styles, and that if there ever comes a day where I don't own a pair of awkward weird clogs or a floral dress from the 90s, I give you permission to push me off a bridge.  Okay, I've said my peace.

Something I love about pieces that enhance and support the face and the person is that it encourages you to own yourself.  There's not so much to hide behind.  I love when I see a woman in the most basic, elegant clothes, hair pulled back, no make-up.  Brave enough to simply Be.  Allowing the soul to be what overflows, the energy to be what you remember and feel.  You want to be around the person, not the "idea" or "image" that's being projected.

So in a sea of vintage, thrift store, random clothes, sometimes it feels good to have something *nice*.  Something grounding.  I am all about pieces that are chic, beautifully designed, yet so comfy and effortless.  Like, Carolyn Bessette effortless.  Things you can throw on, hang around in the house in, or go out and still feel stylish and put-together.  But not trying too hard. There is an adorable store in our neighborhood in Silverlake called The Runway Outlet that carries the fruits of local designers here in LA.  It is pricey, but great quality, magical designers, sweet and helpful gals working there, and there's always a great sale rack.  It's next to our favorite wine store, Silverlake Wine, but that's for another post :) I stopped in there today to use a giftcard my honey gave me a few months ago.  My heart quickly got friendly with the racks.

Here's what I discovered:

Black Orchid

Now I got these pants in army green, but couldn't find a picture of them online (oh duh I could have just taken one).  They have a really faint paisley print that you can barely see on the green pants.  They looked awesome folded up on the table and the girl convinced me to try to them on.  I was sure they would be too small...I tried them on and at first was all "ohhhhh noooo these are wayyy too tight" - but apparently that is the style now, and they were supposed to be like that!  I usually don't like skin tight clothing at all, but this....this was something magical.  This was a unicorn.  This was Britney Spears having coffee with me.  They were SO comfortable - they felt like pajama pants, like a comfy hotel bed.  The girl said they fit exactly how they were supposed to, and as I gazed in the mirror I thought "Oh my God! I get to be one of those girls!  This is my time!"  I loved them so much, and right then and there, I welcomed them into my closet.  I took a chance on them, and they worked.  The great part was that they were $55.00, which isn't a lot for jeans- really nice, awesome jeans that make me feel like a Grown City Gal.  

This picture really doesn't do it justice.  The skirt on the bottom of the top reminds me of a ballerina (my favorite thing to feel like) and how fitting that their runway models wear ballet shoes:

I got the pink top, but tried on the other one - wish I could have afforded both.  I am in love with this designer.  And again, pictures don't even do it justice.  There's nothing like the way it feels when it try it on - the fabric is amazing - SO comforting, sleek and sexy.  It feels so effortless and hangs beautifully.  

And now this next designer I discovered about a year ago at the same store, and everytime I wear my top by her, I get so many compliments- and it's the simplest, comfiest top ever.  I wear it all the time!  

So there ya go.  I just became sophisticated.  

Saturday, November 16, 2013

'it gets dark so early now'

 *bonus points for anyone who knows where that line is from.

It's officially Christmas time - yes, before Thanksgiving, thank you very much radio!  The days are short and the lines will be getting long...I kind of can't contain my excitement for the holiday season and am proud to say I have saved our Iowa Pine Mrs. Meyer's hand soap from last year - I just can't let Christmas go.

Here are some of my favorite (oh so consumer blah blah) things that I am either wanting or obsessed with or will never let go of:

Mrs. Meyers Iowa Pine cleaning products:

Kate Ellen Metals jewelry - ANYTHING that she makes...

(photo credit - her website!)

I was lucky enough to meet Kate when I modeled for her three years ago.  She's awesome and an inspiration as a female artist.  

This Closet Romantic Sgt. Pepper jacket.  I have been in love with it for two years now and can't find it anywhere - other than in the closet of my future mother in law...

This wall art from Scott Coppersmith Designs.  I want this sooo badly.  We met him at a street fair about a year ago and I've been holding onto the card ever since.  

Art from Phoebe Anderson - I met this girl at the yoga studio I work at.  She was carrying around some of her paintings and I asked for her info.  She has some awesome portraits of puppies and kitties too...and I often dream of a huge painting of Starbelly on our walls...

My lovely friend McLean McGown is  yoga teacher, mommy, nutritionist, and now Pangea Organics Queen - we order our Pangea from her and next up to try is their Balancing Facial Oil for my breakouts.

My honey's clothing brand Californiamor features organic materials and the highest quality screen-printing. Great for holiday gifts!  My favorite is the three-quarter baseball tee :)  They are californiadorable. 

That's all for now...overdosing on coffee and MSNBC...

Monday, November 11, 2013

a love song

I'm getting over being sick and haven't written in forever.  Not because I've been sick, but because every time I remember I have this blog, I'm conveniently stuffing my face with pistachios in the kitchen and I tell myself one day I will become really witty and insightful and have something awesome to say. Something cool.  Something that Meg from A Practical Wedding would say.  Something that would encourage me to put on my broken, sideways glasses (I really really need new ones).  But I'm just here, watching Dateline, with a sore throat and practicing breathing through my nose.

I'm not even sure why I have this blog because I'm a private person and don't really like technology.  I'm not even sure why people like blogs these days. I have one that I follow religiously (mentioned above, ahem) but that's it.  But these blogs where people just write about their lives and we're all supposed to jump on board? I don't know.  I'm not sure what that says about us.   Are we finding ways to connect and build community or are we really just desensitizing ourselves to real human contact and living in a false reality where you can make your identity whatever you want..You can be the person that you wish you were in the aisle at Whole Foods.  You know, when someone's walking by you on the trail and you both do that halfway-hello thing that sounds like a baby meerkat asking if dinner's ready yet.  Maybe?

I just watched a video someone posted on Facebook; it touched a nerve.  It talked about the distress and fear in my gut that I've been dealing with for so long.   The contradiction between things being so beautiful, so full, so intertwined in my soul, and things being so temporary, so fleeting, so foreign - so much so that I'm just a doll dropped into a dollhouse trying to figure out how to fend for herself.  To find the way out.  To get back home.

I'm realizing, through many storms and forests of panic and anxiety, that Home is actually in the impermanence.  In the uncertainty.  In the fragility.  Home is not escaping fragility; Home is inside of Fragility.  Home sits in the eye of vulnerability.  Where my fears rub against my insides, where my love softens my shoulders.  For so long I have been so petrified to be alive because it means one day I won't be.  Holding anything takes strength, owning anything takes responsibility.  My fear is not my enemy- it shows me where my boundaries are, where I feel safe, and more than anything, it shows me the gaping holes that desperately need to be filled with faith.  It shows me where I'm empty, where I need to connect.  It's a love song from the universe to me.  It gets loud when I don't listen, and when I do,  it gets so quiet- so much so that I am drawn closer and closer until we are one again.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Fall, Flooding & Fear

This year so far has probably been the most soul-changing year I've ever had.

I am happy to be sitting here in September, the month I met my fiance three years ago.

I am happy to be wide-eyed, conscious and to be on this journey of nurturing the relationship between the internal mother in me and my inner child.

 I am learning to hold the reigns of my own life.  I am learning that I do deserve love, and that there is no need to be afraid of my sadness, my grief.

I love this month.  I can start to feel the energy shift in the earth at night, the hint of fall in the breeze, the refreshing hollowness of winter air is just starting to trickle into the saturated summer air.  Things will soon get so bare (as bare as they get in Los Angeles) until there is nothing left but stark, quiet space.  Space for the joy of the holidays, space for shedding of limiting fears and false beliefs, space for stretching, space for growth, space for connection, space for hibernation.  Space for hope.  At the beginning of each season there is a certain hope that I love so much.  The possibilities.  The fresh eyes meeting old traditions.

We picked the perfect place to get married.  A place that is under water right now, at the mercy of rushing floods.  Destruction and rebirth, chaos and cleansing - however you choose to look at it.  But the place we chose is just as sturdy as it is vulnerable; just as grounded as it is fluid; just as ancient and sacred as it is young, new, and vibrant - like the marriage it will give birth to in nine months.

I can't wait for daylight to get shorter this fall.  I can't wait for the quiet peace of winter.

I was told by a dear friend that when a strand of a spiderweb is broken, it actually strengthens the structure of the web instead of weakening it.  Life is fragile, floods are scary, loss is heartbreaking, but the web only gets stronger.  Many thoughts and prayers for Colorado, and for anyone suffering for that matter.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Downtown Date

This past Thursday we had a little downtown date day.  It was overcast, really muggy, and I just might have gained some freckles in doing this- but we went to the two downtown locations of the Museum of Contemporary Art.  I felt like we were on vacation, in Paris or something, because we never really spend the day strolling around downtown and seeing museums.  Do you like how I used the word "strolling"?  That word becomes a part of your vocabulary the more you go to museums and wear big girl jewelry.  And make those emphatic throat sounds while someone else is talking.  We also had lunch at this lovely place called The Sandwich Smith.  It was amazing, and we had the sweetest hostess girl ever, who noticed my Bride to Be shirt and asked if she could give us a hug.  She then gave us a free sandwich and two free cookies..

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Cafe Au Pride

This is my very first blog post.  There is really no reason for me to start a blog, other than it's 2013 and I drink coffee and appreciate overcast weather immensely.  I also love reading them, so I'm sure I will love writing one.  I have no idea what it will be about, but I do know that if you love gazing at the stunning cheekbones of a pitbull, that you have come to the right place and I will not let you down.  Ever.

I am a young gal in Los Angeles who just got engaged to my girlfriend, and I have had a strong addiction to wedding-things for over a year now, and now that I have a real one to plan, things might get crazy.  I might turn into a wedding Kujo, as if I am my dog, Starbelly after she senses someone within 2 miles walked somewhere...or breathed..or did anything.

It's Pride Month and what is a better month for the Supreme Court to strike down California's ban on marriage for everyone, called Prop 8 -  Perfect timing since we happened to get engaged in May!  So excited to read A Practical Wedding for the eleventh time.  To possibly wear a side ponytail, "researching" wedding things while I nod at strangers, and oh so casually sip a latte.  Welcome to Cafe Au Bride, and if you don't have the Lifetime Movie Network, I strongly recommend that you find a way to view it as often as possible.  That is all.