bridesmaids, flowers, and the promise of burritos.

So it's Thursday and I just slept until 1pm.  1:08 actually.  I never do that.  It was J's day off, so that means its my day off (usually), and right now I'm sitting in my Christmas PJs (I will never abandon you) waiting for her to bring us back some burritos for breakfast.  I've been getting up pretty early every morning and haven't really slept in in awhile, so I guess, yeah, I'm glad.

Bridesmaids dresses are really frustrating.  I have all of these pins of dresses I like on Pinterest, yet I cannot find where you actually buy them or who makes them anywhere.  I did track down my dream dresses -FINALLY- only to find that a designer girl makes them and she makes nothing cheaper than 1,000.  Dollars, that is.  What?!? Ok I'm hoping to find dresses definitely under 100, ideally under 50.

Here is a picture of my crushed dreams:

I want to just stumble upon the perfect unique dresses without even trying, like in some magical DIY movie.  It's crazy that this whole thing is in like 5 months.  I know it will fly by.  Oh, and can I mention how expensive flower-people are?? And planners?? I really want to try to do a lot ourselves, together, like the Bridal Brigade APW always talks about, but it's complicated since we are so far away from the location.  I'd actually love to look into more community/DIY flower options like this too (Whole Foods too, since Trader Joe's isn't in Boulder) , but I don't want to be stressing about if the flowers are going to die, and all that, because my flowers like to die.  BUT I mean if it means saving 2000 dollars, hell yes.  I'm excited about trying to find ways to DIY this thing anyway, since it's not like we can load up the car and transport lots of stuff easily.  

We've got soooo much to do in five months.  But I'd rather do everything all scrunched together than to drag this sucker out, especially since I have a really flexible schedule and can do lots of research and planning.  

I took a break in writing this post to eat vegan taquitos with beans and guacamole and a burrito and have  some coffee.  Wish I could wrap this thing up with some wit or closure, but not happening.  

dinner and the death of Christmas.

Last night, after a day of some pleasant (breakfast at Flore - hello vegan chicken and waffles and country breakfast to share, hiking in Malibu overlooking the ocean on an isolated trail) and not-so-pleasant (our dog aka cross between wild tiger and great white shark and occasionally Mother Theresa acting psycho in the long car ride...) adventures, J and I made a really yummy Italian style dinner.  To go along with finishing Season 2 of Scandal of course.  (I am so over the freaking relationship between Olivia and Fitz by the way. And please retire the phrase 'leader of the free world'.)

We got a really yummy Spanish wine (ok, not Italian) that was seriously the best red wine I've had in a while. I discovered some vegan frozen ravioli at Whole Foods and brought home two different kinds- Spinach Florentine and Butternut Squash.  We went with spinach last night.  J was in charge of the marinara sauce, and she added some onions and garlic and salt.  I cooked some broccolini and we mixed it in with the sauce and ravioli.  I also made a big salad, the kind I usually make, with spinach and romaine (although I love arugula too) with celery, carrots and my dressing - I mix olive oil, squeeze lemon, poppyseed dressing, mustard and pepper.

Yeah, so, that was that.

I can't talk about the joys of dinner without mentioning the tragic activity that took place right before.  We took......we took......we (oh god this is hard!) TOOK OUR TREE DOWN.  Yes, I said it.  It's dead, it's gone, it's a mere memory.  It's dead body is upside down in our garbage bin outside.  I can't wash a dish without seeing it's pitiful legs sticking straight up at me.  What have we done????

I also just packed the Christmas decorations away.  As we recover and decide where to go from here, I will be sweeping, swiffering, deck cleaning, clothes folding - anything that will wash away my sins.  

Dear tree, Dearest Christmas, please come back next year.  Please forgive us. 

letting go

I had a rough night last night. I went to a yoga class at a studio that I rarely go to, not my “home” studio, in an effort to get out of my head and grounded into my body. I have been feeling a bit of body anxiety the past week or two, understandably, as there is so much going on right now. After bow pose, when you rest for a moment on your stomach, I always hate that I hear my heartbeat so loudly in my boobs. I feel it pounding into the ground. And it's only on one side because, you know, your heart is on one side, but hearing this little muscle go from really loud to “wait, where'd it go?!?!” always freaks me out. I get a little moment of panic in the second where the loud throbbing heartbeat all of the sudden runs away. I know it's just my body doing it's thing, but it scares me. It reminds me that I am a body, made up of working parts, and that I am just a girl swimming in mortality.

I came home, did some breathing exercises, tried to lean into the anxiety, to welcome it in. This is something I have been working on that's been helping. The fear of the fear is the problem, is what creates even more panic. The natural urge to distract myself, to make the feelings go away is what creates even more tension and sends the message to my insides that yes, there really is something to be afraid of, and that you can't handle it. In the past (almost) year, I've been forced to learn about my fears, my anxieties, where they come from, and how I can welcome them, how I can rewrite the scripts that play in my head. When you accept the challenge, when you open that door and are willing to feel it all, you learn and grow so much but you also invite it ALL in. Despite how overwhelming it's been, I can honestly say that my panic has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It has forced me to reconnect to my spirituality, to my intrinsic connection to this Earth. It has forced me to stop abandoning myself, to keep listening. It has taught me to embrace every feeling, to hold the shadow and the light in equal value. To welcome all feelings with equal compassion.

It has brought so much knowledge and awareness into my life. It has caused me to go back to school to study psychology. It has caused me to consciously make the choice to believe my courage rather than my fears – because I do get to make the choice of who I want to believe. It has taught me to listen to that voice in my acting. It has taught me to listen to that voice in my relationships.

It's not easy, it's actually the hardest thing I've ever done. As painful as it's been, I wouldn't trade the awareness I've gained for the world. Sure, it would be awesome if I was born one of those people that never has a care in the world, but that's not me. And I choose to view my anxiety as a gift, as my smoke signal to connection to existence and spirit. I choose to view my sensitivities as gifts, not problems that need fixing. Because that very mentality is so detrimental.

If you struggle with anxiety or panic, there is nothing wrong with you. What's wrong is the fact that culturally we aren't raised with the tools to learn from our feelings, to embrace ALL feeling and to observe them, to be mindful of them. Because we are not our thoughts or our feelings. Our thoughts and feelings are reflections of our inner world, and there is so much healing and peace to be gained by choosing to learn from them instead of living IN them. Inner peace and healing come from feeling every shade of every feeling, not from only feeling a certain spectrum of feeling, a narrow spectrum that is acceptable and celebrated. The more we observe and embrace each feeling, no matter how painful, the more we invite them in, the less tension we will feel inside, the quicker the brewing storm clouds can dissolve into rain and wash through us.

So yes, this week has been hard. I'm dealing with a lot of painful feelings from my mother. I'm having to constantly hold my own hand and remind myself that I am doing just fine, that I am loved wholly for who I am. I just ordered my wedding dress, like for real. Holy cow it was so surreal. (Did you catch that rhyme? I'm also considering becoming a rapper) The first time I tried it on, back in December, and was pretty sure I had found the one, I was so calm and no-big-deal. This time, when I tried it on again...as “the dress” and got measurements and all that, boyyyy did I feel some panic. And yes, I am saying online that I felt panic when I put on my wedding dress because this shit needs to be said. It needs to be normalized. You're making the biggest decision of your life so far, aside from bringing other little lives into the world, and it's completely normal (and sane!) to freak out a bit, or a lot. I was standing there in the gown that will usher me into the New Me. The gown that represents my new identity, and the letting go of the old one. The dress that when I put it on I will be a single girl, a daughter, and when I take it off I will be married, a wife, will have birthed a brand new family. So it's huge. And it needs to be treated as such.

Oh, and last night at 4 am Starbelly threw up a Christmas ornament. I knew she wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon – she did that thing where she tries to put everything in her mouth and acts like she's going to throw up. She was fine by nighttime though. So when we woke up to her having thrown up, and noticing a Christmas ornament from our tree in the remains....well, I was worried. She seemed fine and went back to sleep, we cleaned up and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep for awhile as I was listening really intently to see if she got up or was making strange noises. I was worried and couldn't relax. I felt as if I might as well had swallowed the ornament. As I laid in bed trying to let it go, I thought of how J was easily back asleep. I thought of how if I were out of town, she would have simply cleaned it up, gone back to sleep, and not given it a second thought. She is not a worrier. I thought of how if I were not home, I wouldn't have had any control or responsibility over this, and there would be peace in our home- J and puppy sleeping soundly as if nothing had happened. I knew that I was the one keeping the fear awake, cause everyone else in my house was so over it. I tried my best to let go, and eventually fell asleep. It's simple things like that that make me grateful for the peace of my fiance. The peace she encourages me to strive for (by simply being herself, not by words), to simply let go. I might not be completely worry free and I might never be, but it's the little things like the ease in which the rest of my family falls back asleep that reminds me that things are okay, that I'm not alone, that I can let go. And those things bring a smile to my heart and a warmth to my soul.

(As a disclaimer and in defense of myself, while I may be a worrier, I've got lots of great qualities that balance J's and Starbelly's and I keep this family running smoothly. No one packs a breakfast like me, and no one hugs the lady at the cleaner's like me. Oh, and I am freaking awesome at getting up in the middle of the night when the dog needs to go out in under 2.5 minutes. So there.)

saved the date! THANK GOD

Soooo we almost had a wedding meltdown yesterday.  I was about to rush-order Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron (seriously on my list though) because things almost fell apart.

So around Christmas time, in the midst of the family chaos, we got a lovely handwritten holiday card from our new wedding coordinator lady.  Apparently the woman we had been working with, who we signed the contract with and who gave us the tour and all that jazz was no longer working there.  I mean, that was fine, we had no personal attachment to her - and plus, this new girl sent us a handwritten note. I continue to believe that we are the only couple she sent it to. Because she loves us.

We had a phone meeting scheduled for yesterday morning to meet her/go over things/yadda yadda.  Well....during that phone call something came up about the ceremony itself- which is planned in the front lawn, right in front of the mountains, right in front of the dining hall where the reception will be.  We were then told that the front lawn/ceremony location is booked through the city of Boulder, and not through Chautauqua Park itself.  Um.  What. The. Fuck????  As in, we were NEVER told this.  When we were given the tour back in August, the lady took us to the ceremony spot and everything saying this is where people usually do it, and never ever ever mentioned that it's booked separately.  We had the impression it was (obviously) inclusive.  Because , ya know, that's why we even picked that location.  To have our ceremony outdoors at the foot of the mountains.  And that the reception is right there, a few feet away, at the dining hall.  The new wedding coordinator apologized for the *mistake* of the previous coordinator.  She called the lady at the city and found out the ceremony location was booked.  Except for 8am-12noon, which could not work for us.  We put down the deposit back in September for this place (not knowing the ceremony location wasn't included) and here we were, finding out five months before our wedding, that it's not available.  There were tears.

Holy shit things almost got bad.  Well they did get bad for a second.  There was no other date except August, which, um NO.  And, are you kidding me?  We are having to stress out and consider re-scheduling our whole wedding because of the ex-wedding coordinator's mistakes??  We told her we had to think and call her back.  Luckily, J is good at making things happen.  After a mini-freak out, she called the lady at the city herself and explained the whole situation and asked was there anything we could do, because we HAVE to get married at the location we picked.  The whole reason for us traveling to Colorado to get married.  There suddenly was a break in the clouds and Jesus and Buddha and Barbara Walters all came down to save us.

A couple had booked it from 1-5 and we could have it from 5-6.  Which meant, quick turn around.  J asked the lady if she could contact the other couple on our behalf to see if we could talk with them about everything, see what options we had.  We got a call last night from the other bride.  She's totally open to split chair rentals so that there's less breakdown and set up between our ceremonies.  They are hoping to start their ceremony at 4:15, and ours will probably be around 5:30.  Luckily, since it's an outdoor ceremony, the decor will be pretty simple since nature is already carrying a lot of the weight for us.  Looks like we are saved.  And thank freaking God.  I know "these things happen" but GEEZ.  We almost just lost everything.  I can't get over how unacceptable what happened was.

So luckily, things are back to good.  Phew.  I have a problem solving fiance.

We ended the night with yummy pizza and beer and scotch with J's brother.  His wife and kids are in Mexico for vacation so he came over to hang out, which, I don't think has ever happened.  I know it was good for J to have time with her brother one on one (well, I was there too).  And it's always good to have time with pizza.  Pizza fixes everything.

night to myself

J has a work dinner.  Which means I'm free to watch as much Lifetime as I want. I cooked dinner for myself, burnt all of it, ate it anyway, and compensated with whiskey.  Ordered my wedding dress (yeeehawwww), watched Wife Swap (yes, really), played guitar, and am watching Nirvana videos (my version of going to church).

What do you do when you have a night alone - or a night off?  Those things that are uniquely you, that you feel so connected to yourself when you do?

And now, my childhood and my old age..

So what are your "me" hobbies/passions/things?

grey day

I keep backspacing today. I have the perfect time to write, ready, set...

And I just keep on backspacing. Eh, nevermind. Ugh, who cares. Oh, wait we still have some ginger snap cookies! I'm not sure if it's the intimidating presence of awesome writers on about a jillion blogs or the negativity in my head from assuming that I didn't get a part, and I didn't get that writing job...or what, but I feel a little defeated. A little why -even -try.

Although knowing me, I just have to ramble until I get any juice.

I've kind of been craving baby. I'm hesitant to say it, it's such an odd thing. It's an idea, a fantasy. An idea of wholeness, of family. When I first got together with J, we automatically knew we wanted kids, but it seemed so far away. It's seeming so much more real now. Like, in my body or something. And I find myself second-guessing it because well, really? Am I really ready for something like that? I'm still so young. But the thing is, after all I've been through this past year, I've learned that everything in the media, in society, from my mother tells me that I can't trust myself. That I'm not capable. That if I need answers I need to seek them, that I couldn't possibly innately hold them inside of me. So I've learned to tune those out (for the most part, it's a practice) and fill up my own space. Readiness doesn't lie in your skill, it's not a meter and ding-ding-ding-you're-ready; readiness lies in your willingness to take the leap. In your willingness to extend yourself, to rise to the challenge, to commit. Otherwise you live your whole life on the edge because you're never “ready” to jump.

J and I have an age difference so we'd like to start sooner than later. Also, my parents aren't that young and I've always wanted them to have a real relationship with my kids. When I was little, my grandparents were already so old so I felt I didn't get the relationship I wish I had with them. Being an only child, I'm the only one that will carry my parents' memory, the only one left of the family eventually, and it's important to me for my children to have solid memories and relationships with them, selfishly, so that I'm not alone.

It also doesn't help that a few of my friends are starting to prepare for pregnancy/thinking about it- and holy shit, how am I at that part of my life? Where I have friends who go to naturopaths to prepare their body for baby? Where I get excited over a baby book coming out this year? It's so crazy as you get older to see parts of your life that were dreams actually start to form. I'm actually becoming the person that I am...my roots are getting wings.

It's annoying how much is involved for us though, since neither one of us makes sperm. I'd love to do the whole “we'll see what happens” thing, but we can't. We have to consciously do this thing.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences with the whole making offspring thing.

When did you first start feeling “it”? Have you ever felt “it”? How do you know it's real? What are your reasons for waiting to make babies, or your reasons for moving full steam ahead? When did you know you wanted kids, or didn't?

On Being Vegan (pt. 1)

I'm going to try to write about my marriage to veganism, which is hard, because there is so much depth to our relationship. I actually freeze a bit when asked to write about this, because there is just SO MUCH involved, so much of my own heart and sense of connectedness, but far more importantly, so much a desperate need for the information to be out there, so much need for change, need for action, need for a stand taken against violence and abuse and heartbreaking, unacceptable cruelty. It's very hard for me to even start this without getting so passionate and needing to take a walk (or flee and join the ALF) but I'll refrain.

Even though my heart and head swirls with so much heaviness on the subject, I figured the best place to start this series would be to address the most needed, most valuable information:

How To Do IT. Because for many people that's the biggest mental hurdle. But how? What do I buy? It seems scary to some, like you are cutting off a leg or something (here is where I insert a not-so funny pun about the fact that we actually do cut off legs and eat them...). So how do you make the leap?

First of all, for the curious-but-not-yet-committed, I think it is really helpful to do a trial – 30 days is a good start. Try being vegan for 30 days, make that commitment to yourself, and feel the difference in your body and in the lightness of your heart. During this time, make an effort to connect to yourself, maybe through starting a mediation practice, or spending more time in nature. Try a new hobby you have always wanted to do, start journaling if you don't already. When you are on a plant-based diet, you are stripping down un-needed energy from your being. Energy that is lifeless and fogs up the pathways between your mind and your heart. This is a beautiful, kind cause you are sending into the universe and a likewise effect will return in its place.

It's important to remind yourself why you are doing what you are doing, and when making any life change, it's helpful to be supported by the right tools. Again, knowledge is everything, and many people “try” going vegan, or even vegetarian, but they do so by simply eliminating animal products with little to no thought about their actual diet. So here are some of my favorite tools:

The Kind Diet by Alicia Silverstone. Holy cow (you like what I did there? Cow? Hehe), this book is AMAZING. I have shared it with many friends and given it for Christmas presents. The first part of the book is about Alicia's journey and how she arrived at veganism, and allllll about the actual food itself. As in, what you are actually eating. And more than just the reasons not to eat animal products, she goes into depth about the properties of all veggies, fruits, grains...our bodies' natural reactions to certain foods, what to eat when you are feeling x,y, and z. Seriously, it's a godsend. If I was rich, I would buy everyone in the world this book (at least the people reading this blog) because it covers so much. The second part of the book is ALL recipes. And they are so freaking good. She splits the recipes into categories – for example, there is a section for the “flirters” meaning those that are flirting with the idea of veganism, and then goes all the way to the “superhero” category which if I remember correctly is raw and vegan. You really cannot go wrong with this book. It covers everything, is easy and pleasant to read, and there is something for everyone. May I recommend the chocolate peanut butter cup recipe?? (and holy shit, I just went to her website www.thekindlife.com , and she's about to come out with “The Kind Mama” - can't wait to buy that when I'm pregnant! Check out the site- I haven't been on there in forever and it looks awesome!)

Introduction to Animal Rights by Gary Francione. This one is a classic. Really covers it all in a smart, no-bullshit, factual way. It's wonderful.

Eating Animals by Jonathon Safran Foer. I haven't actually read this one, but have to mention it because it's kind of known as The Book. Have always heard amazing things over this one, and I should read it, I have just stopped reading as much on the subject since I'm already vegan..but everyone, vegan and non-vegan, raves about this one!

The documentary Earthlings by Shaun Monson. Okay. Seriously. If you watch one thing, watch this. Warning – it's brutal, but warning, it's reality. I don't believe in sugarcoating the truth so we can continue to distance ourselves for what goes on behind factory farm doors. Behind the cheesy commercials of cows running happily in field. This documentary changed my life, and has pretty much changed anyone's who's ever seen it. When it first came out, my friends and I hosted screenings of it. This documentary is kind of known as the “vegan-maker” because, well, you'll see. I have lots of friends who have been vegan for years since seeing this. He has a documentary called Unity that I believe is not out yet, but it's about connectedness in humanity and I can't wait to see that one either. He is brilliant and does such amazing work. I think this is on Netflix, and if not, it's for sure streaming online for free!

Okay. There are so many other books and documentaries and videos to watch, but if I were planning a 30 day vegan trial for someone, that'd be where I would start. The Kind Diet and Earthlings for sure, and if you have time, I'm sure you'd love the others.

Now, what do you eat? The Kind Diet is such a perfect book because it covers the Why and the How and the Yum all in one but I'll share a few tips here as well:

1. Veggies. Seriously. Real, organic, veggies. Many people go vegan and forget that you are           actually supposed to eat vegetables. They simply cut out animal products but pay no attention to nutrition. Being vegan has shed light on my own eating habits, and it keeps me (mostly) conscious about what I eat, what nutrients I'm getting and so on. So the number one thing is...actually eat vegetables. It's kinda that easy.

2. Eat cereal in the mornings? Easy – replace cow's milk with almond or soy milk. Or rice or hemp.

3. If you are anywhere close to a Whole Foods, I mean, what more is there to say? If you regularly shop there, luck you, because it's so easy nowadays. I became vegan (more on that later) in New Bern, NC, a small town in the South and did so with a Food Lion, so if you've got a Whole Foods, you're good to go. Speaking of Food Lion, and pretty much every grocery store nowadays has so many vegan options. I remember when there used to be like two frozen vegan chicken nugget options at Food Lion in high school, and now even in New Bern, there's a giant section of all-natural vegan frozen foods.

4. There is a substitute for everything now. And I don't mean “fake” scary artificial stuff. Most vegan brands are also very health conscious and the ingredients are already pretty natural, if not all natural. Just check the label like you would anything else. I really can't think of anything I “can't have” - and about that, I never feel deprived because I have no desire to eat anything from an animal, it's not food to me. I love cooking and becoming vegan has made cooking exciting and an adventure. It's opened my eyes to a whole spectrum of food I didn't know existed. Which really makes me wish I had a photo-book of all my meals when that “But what do you eat??” question comes my way. I have learned so much about food and nutrition and cooking since being vegan.

5. Relax. Have fun with it. You are doing this for your body, the creatures we share this beautiful Earth with, and this beautiful Earth herself. Taking care of your body and mind creates a domino effect , so remember to thank yourself and to honor the innate beauty and divineness that is you. Take it one day at a time, one conscious choice at a time.

I'll be following this up with some recipes of my favorite meals that we make at home, but of course these meals are based off of my taste buds and not yours, so make what excites yours. Oh, and Idea! If you have a certain meal/flavor that you love or are curious how to veganize, leave it in the comments and I'll try to help or direct you to other recipes. :)

(Also, more to follow – my journey to Vegan Town, and why even be vegan in the first place? And probably some cute pictures of cows)

2014!

The first day of the new year softened and sugarcoated the blow of Christmas quite a bit - thank you Universe!  On New Year's Eve I spent some time journaling and loosening up some things inside myself, and felt lighter and softer by the evening.  The significant other (I might start calling her siggy on here) and I had a sushi date at our regular place...I love having places where they know us and what drinks we get.  We hadn't been there in forever and it was so good to end our year with a lychee martini and sushi (veggie sushi for me of course) because yes, the pope is still Catholic.  Unfortunately once we got home, I started getting really hellish cramps and nausea and couldn't bare the thought of the nice bottle of champagne we had planned for the night.  I was sent downstairs to our dark bedroom with a bottle of boiling water for my stomach (genius idea by siggy since we don't have a heating pad and hot wash cloths end up cold and wet..).  At midnight she came downstairs to give me a kiss and a hug.

The next day we slept in, and by that I mean I woke up at 7:30 and took the dog out, and then laid in bed awake for two hours while she slept till almost noon ;)  We watched the Rose Parade and then were going to go to brunch at my favorite restaurant ever in our neighborhood: Flore.  It's all vegan and organic and can I get an Amen for vegan benedict with hollandaise sauce and the whole shebang?  Or for vegan southern comfort breakfast plate which includes veggie crispy chicken and waffles and hashbrowns??  HEELLLL YESSSSS.  Well, we got there fifteen minutes before brunch ended and they were all out of the brunch food.  I was not happy.  But I got happy soon when we decided to go to another cute outdoor cafe and we somehow magically got put at a table even though there was a line of about a million people in front of us?  I guess the Universe was making up for it's fuck-up at Flore. (And yes, I know I sound like a horrible privileged person with that common, and please know I am kidding...ALTHOUGH, when you are on your period you are allowed to say things like that always).  We had mimosas and J snuck pictures of the LA mayor who was a few tables away.  We then took the puppy on a long walk through a gorgeous neighborhood in the hills by the reservoir where we usually walk.  It's our dream place to live, the houses are amazing...I love doing that together because our first "date" consisted of going to a vegan ice cream shop and then driving through neighborhoods looking at houses (and imagining living in them together, but you know, we couldn't say that then).  We caught a great view of the first sunset of the year as well.  

We came home and for dinner I made a black-eyed pea soup for good luck.  Before meeting me, J was unaware that you must eat black-eyed peas on New Years day for good luck.  It's a Southern thing.  The soup was actually really good- with a chipotle tomato base, onions, garden peas, black eyed peas, pepper, garlic, and a little vegan butter and curry powder.  

(with Champagne)

Oh Oh Oh and THEN.  We did what everyone else is doing. For the first time . We watched our first episode of Scandal.  Holy cow.  We both loved it right away.  Now I understand the hype.  The one thing that rubbed us both the wrong way was the dynamic between Olivia and the President.  As in, how so far at least they are making her this kick ass strong woman but then totally weak around this guy that cheats on his wife...the whole "don't touch me, don't touch me" but he does anyway because "that's what she really wants" and I mean, he knows better right?  Ugh, I hate seeing that dynamic splashed everywhere in the media.  It's not healthy to show this amazing woman but that she is still at the mercy of someone else.  Maybe they will develop their relationship more, or we will find out so much more that will explain it or make us agree with it or something, but the second he grabbed her and tried to seduce her against her will, I bristled and was like "really? you gotta go there?" because I was loving this show!  When that happened, I would pray her response would be to spit in his face or something. Oh well.  

As far as resolutions go...mine are pretty simple:

1.  Challenge myself to stay open and vulnerable even if I'm resistant to it or it's uncomfortable.  To push through those walls.

2.  Advance my career, make the most of opportunity.

3.  Let my courage be greater than my fear. (stole that line)

4.  Continue to learn about unconditional love for myself and for my partner, to practice love from my highest, most pure self.  

5.  To be a better friend.

6.  To get resourceful and creative about making money.

7.  Conquer my fear of flying (flying across ocean for honeymoon!)

8.  Get married, obviously.

9. Not give up on this blog- be consistent.

10.  Be a Big Sister.

11.  Be a great fiance, soon to be wifey!