the wedding i'd have if I was marrying myself

Luckily my fiance and I have similar tastes and have been agreeing a lot throughout this whole process, but there are still a few wedding things that, since there are two of us here, I recline back in my chair and nod (the head-tilt kind of nod) and pretend there aren't glitter machines going off in my fantasy-head.  But a girl can daydream.  Here are what some of those daydreams look like.  And a lot of it comes from the simple search of: wedding + glitter.

 This is the perfect cake. Gets me every time.

 And just because I've been in love with this dress for years..

 So basically, I'd be a ballerina.

And I would definitely be wearing this if we were getting married in the winter...Oh geez, a Christmas wedding, slay me...

And if you don't like glitter...

Of course Garbage would be mine and mine's wedding band.

Oh what? More pink, and gold, and glitter???

 Extreme Southern.

 And this tablecloth....!!!

Basically, I would live in a dollhouse and the wedding would be a tea-party.  Although now that I look at all of this together I'm getting a bit sea-sick.  I used to dream of this awesome Washington state wedding in the forest and at the reception bands would play and everyone would have little x's on their hands as a salute to my youth...sigh...And then in between sets people could go up and play if they felt like it. And it would be a big music fest with tequila and tacos. More on nostalgia later.   I've actually realized that music aside (since it looks like we are having a DJ instead of a band- but hey, we can make them play whatever we want), our real wedding is seeming more and more like my Washington state wedding, minus the forest, add the flatirons.   Oh shit.  What would be awesome is if everyone jumped in the creek afterwards and we got amazing pictures of it at night, under the moon...

bridesmaids, flowers, and the promise of burritos.

So it's Thursday and I just slept until 1pm.  1:08 actually.  I never do that.  It was J's day off, so that means its my day off (usually), and right now I'm sitting in my Christmas PJs (I will never abandon you) waiting for her to bring us back some burritos for breakfast.  I've been getting up pretty early every morning and haven't really slept in in awhile, so I guess, yeah, I'm glad.

Bridesmaids dresses are really frustrating.  I have all of these pins of dresses I like on Pinterest, yet I cannot find where you actually buy them or who makes them anywhere.  I did track down my dream dresses -FINALLY- only to find that a designer girl makes them and she makes nothing cheaper than 1,000.  Dollars, that is.  What?!? Ok I'm hoping to find dresses definitely under 100, ideally under 50.

Here is a picture of my crushed dreams:

I want to just stumble upon the perfect unique dresses without even trying, like in some magical DIY movie.  It's crazy that this whole thing is in like 5 months.  I know it will fly by.  Oh, and can I mention how expensive flower-people are?? And planners?? I really want to try to do a lot ourselves, together, like the Bridal Brigade APW always talks about, but it's complicated since we are so far away from the location.  I'd actually love to look into more community/DIY flower options like this too (Whole Foods too, since Trader Joe's isn't in Boulder) , but I don't want to be stressing about if the flowers are going to die, and all that, because my flowers like to die.  BUT I mean if it means saving 2000 dollars, hell yes.  I'm excited about trying to find ways to DIY this thing anyway, since it's not like we can load up the car and transport lots of stuff easily.  

We've got soooo much to do in five months.  But I'd rather do everything all scrunched together than to drag this sucker out, especially since I have a really flexible schedule and can do lots of research and planning.  

I took a break in writing this post to eat vegan taquitos with beans and guacamole and a burrito and have  some coffee.  Wish I could wrap this thing up with some wit or closure, but not happening.  

gettin' all bridal

Wow so much to write about!  I just had one of the best weeks of my life!  I had been looking forward to this week for a very long time.  One of my bridesmaids (one out of four) was flying out here to go to bridal salon appointments with me.  I hadn't seen her forever, and I really don't have any friends here in Los Angeles - not BEST friends at least - my core soul mate group of friends is scattered across the country.  Sigh, we've all grown up.  The star of my social life is my fiance, which is wonderful (I'm kind of a homebody and particular with humans), but it was going to be awesome to have one of my best friends in person- face to face- HERE with me.

So Monday rolls around and I'm so excited.  I pick Anna up at the airport and we get delicious lunch at Veggie Grill (all vegan - I get the Buffalo Wing Salad and a side of mac n cheese!) and head home to see the puppymuffin, go on a walk, get settled, etc.  She had never seen our place so it was exciting to show her everything and walk through the neighborhood.  The fiance got home from work late that night and we were all three drinking the drink of our house- the Paloma - and watching lots of Dateline-esque shows.  Around midnight, my fiance said she needed to go get something from the car she had wanted to show us....a few minutes later one of the best moments of my life happened...

She walked in the door with  MY SQUISH.  I haven't talked about my Squish on here yet, but she is my curly-headed best friend in the world - the Melissa to my Courtney ( if you follow that reference please be my friend), the Squish to my Squirt.  We've known each other since we were ten doing community theatre together.  Squish (real name- Devan) has not seen me in LA since, like, 2009.  She has not met my dog Starbelly, or seen our home, or any of my life out here in years.  We only get to see each other when we are both back in North Carolina and lately it's been for only like hours at a time, twice a year or something.

I automatically burst into tears.  I couldn't look at her for two hours because I didn't believe she was real.  She must be a Squish Hologram.  I didn't know they started making those but apparently they did.  My amazing, wonderful, kind, thoughtful, generous, sweet, giving, perfect fiance had arranged the whole surprise, bought her tickets and everything and had kept it from me for weeks.  Seriously the best Christmas present I could ever get - hands down, the best.   We all stayed up until 3 am talking and drinking and freaking the fuck out that this was real.  It was awesome.  I have never felt so special or loved in my life- having my favorite people all in one room....It meant so much to me.

Ove the next three days we ate lots of amazing vegan food - had to introduce Squish to my favorite spots : Mohawk Bend, Bulan Thai, and of course we went to Flore.  We went to three different bridal salons and I highly recommend them if you are in the LA area:

Bride in Echo Park was awesome.  Very small and boutiquey - the salon owner Maria is so down to earth and friendly and helpful and custom makes gowns as well as carries a great selection of vintage gowns and independent designer gowns.  I tried on a vintage gown that I surprisingly loved, but don't think it was The One.  Although, if I was buying a separate reception dress I might have gotten it.  Oh and did I mention the prices are amazing??

I fell in love with this black wedding dress that I'd totally wear if I was getting married on Halloween or something!

Next we went to Claire Pettibone, who is like a Magical Fairy Woman and I'm pretty sure that she has actual fairies make her gowns.  Her salon is literally in a princess castle and is a dream come true.  Really fell in love with one which, for obvious reasons, will *not* be posted here!

On Thursday,  we went to Heaven on Earth, aka Lovely in West Hollywood. Oh. My. God.  That place is so freaking darling and adorable and I want to live in it.  I mean...it's just...my dream bedroom.  The girl helping us, Whitney,  was soooo cool and friendly and I loved her so much I almost wanted to ask her to be a bridesmaid!  Or at least let me bring her coffee or something.  Their selection was *incredible* and SO up my alley.

Here's one that I would so wear if I was getting married on New Year's Eve:

(Oh and this is just the changing room - notice my Squish in the background- the rest of the salon is light pink with chandeliers and a giant heart shaped light installation on the wall)


I was so surprised that the style of gowns I *thought* I was going to love, the ones that live on my Pinterest board, did not end up being what looked good on my body.  When I put them on, they just didn't feel bridal enough or something.  They were gorgeous gowns but just...fell flat to me.   I ended up falling in love with a totally different kind of cut.

There's a really good chance I found the dress...

Squish and Anna are gone now and now the fiance, Starbelly, and I are like empty nesters.  Now...one week until my parents get here for Christmas and we've still gotta get our tree this weekend!

I feel so so lucky and grateful right now, and can't believe I happened to find the most thoughtful person in the world to marry.  Just the other day I was listening to Hanson on the trampoline in the backyard....and now I'm establishing credit and a family of my own.  Wow.

Fall, Flooding & Fear

This year so far has probably been the most soul-changing year I've ever had.

I am happy to be sitting here in September, the month I met my fiance three years ago.

I am happy to be wide-eyed, conscious and to be on this journey of nurturing the relationship between the internal mother in me and my inner child.

 I am learning to hold the reigns of my own life.  I am learning that I do deserve love, and that there is no need to be afraid of my sadness, my grief.

I love this month.  I can start to feel the energy shift in the earth at night, the hint of fall in the breeze, the refreshing hollowness of winter air is just starting to trickle into the saturated summer air.  Things will soon get so bare (as bare as they get in Los Angeles) until there is nothing left but stark, quiet space.  Space for the joy of the holidays, space for shedding of limiting fears and false beliefs, space for stretching, space for growth, space for connection, space for hibernation.  Space for hope.  At the beginning of each season there is a certain hope that I love so much.  The possibilities.  The fresh eyes meeting old traditions.

We picked the perfect place to get married.  A place that is under water right now, at the mercy of rushing floods.  Destruction and rebirth, chaos and cleansing - however you choose to look at it.  But the place we chose is just as sturdy as it is vulnerable; just as grounded as it is fluid; just as ancient and sacred as it is young, new, and vibrant - like the marriage it will give birth to in nine months.

I can't wait for daylight to get shorter this fall.  I can't wait for the quiet peace of winter.

I was told by a dear friend that when a strand of a spiderweb is broken, it actually strengthens the structure of the web instead of weakening it.  Life is fragile, floods are scary, loss is heartbreaking, but the web only gets stronger.  Many thoughts and prayers for Colorado, and for anyone suffering for that matter.