I had last night to myself which was supposed to a mommy-daughter girls' night (Starbelly and I) of Lifetime movies, girly internet things, candles, and tequila. We only had an inch of tequila left in the freezer, and Sins of the Preacher was a Lifetime movie that I had seen many, many times before. This usually never bothers me, but this wasn't one of my favorites. Not quite bad enough, and not quite good enough. So I hopped on the internet. It started with reading other people's blogs. Not even people I follow, or care about, and the more I read the more I felt the sinking feeling inside. These girls' blogs are so..."professional" looking, for one. And everyone talks in this chirpy tone, in soundbites, that makes it seem as if their life is as sea-foam green and pink as their template design. Like they are selling something, and aren't they? Selling this picture of their life, their image? It bothers me how it affects me since I don't want to be those people, but then why do I feel so icky afterwards? I don't like the pedestal having a blog seems to insinuate that you think you stand on. That was never my intention for a blog. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with it.
And then it went from blog world to Facebook, so seamlessly, as I scanned people's lives through my screen. My career right now is at a bit of a standstill. I was really excited about a project, like SO excited about a project that I was cast in,a dream role, and now it didn't raise the hoped-for funding this past month. I was so excited to have that project under my belt right before getting married. It would have been a real confidence boost for me and in a silly way, make me feel "legitimate" enough to get married. And there's the disillusionment of timelines - there is no "right" order to do things, I know that, and I also know that many of the actors I look up to spent years and years struggling before getting anywhere. But I won't lie, it's triggering for me to see others seem to move along so easily. It's not about fixing where I am, it's about accepting where I am. And money plays a big part in the shame that comes along with a career in a muddied mid-launch, no where near the stars. I have to remind myself that while I don't bring home the tofu, I bring home a lot. I make a lot of the home that the tofu is brought to. I work on my acting, my writing, I take care of my body, I'm in school pursuing something I am extremely passionate about, I'm a good fiance, a good mama to my puppy, I try to encourage people to see themselves as whole and perfect and valuable just as they are, and I'm a good friend. I can take these feelings of "not enough" or career-shame and feel them without letting them define me.
and on a totally side note: Funfetti wedding cake or no?