I noticed the buildup of feeling as my birthday approached - it's crazy (and magical) how your body and psyche have their own well of wisdom and rhythm. Birthdays are transitions, and I could feel the pot starting to stir and simmer. Like I've written about many times, time passing is something I have always mourned and struggled with as a kid. (If you have too, I recommend this book.) Moving forward means you are no longer in the past, it means letting go; you can't have it all. My soul aches for my childhood and for every single second that I will never revisit. I wish I could record everything. Its why I start songs over when they get three quarters of the way through because I hate endings and never want the emotional universe I'm in to stop. Especially as I get into the "adult" years, birthdays stir up my subconscious knowing that we are mortal and that people I love will leave one day. That I will leave one day. It doesn't matter how far off it is- my insides feel life's thin skin despite it's sturdy body. I become so acutely aware of the groundlessness and I feel it in my bones. I crave a tether, an anchor. When I am really busy and don't have the time to sit and make space for my feelings, when I stuff them down in order to function throughout a busy day, that's when the storm mutates into bodily anxiety, which then triggers the panic. This morning I was able to take some time for my feelings and surrender to the space of the unknown. When I am able to just let go, to submit to the current, when I can touch upon the gold nuggets of sadness, grief, and fear, I simultaneously am able to bring my joy, gratitude, love, connection, and my warm-melting-heart into the light. I like to think of feelings as weather. Our pain, sorrow, and grief are clouds that must be felt and released in order to experience true sunlight. If I'm afraid of the rain, I only thicken the clouds' coverage. Our feelings encompass such a beautiful spectrum, such rich fruits that this existence bears.
J had the day off yesterday so we were able to celebrate our anniversary of engagement (my birthday last year!) and my birthday together. We did several wedding errands and had breakfast at my favorite vegan restaurant in our neighborhood (I say neighborhood and not universe because our dinner date changed everything!). We had dinner reservations at this new-ish fancy vegan restaurant called Crossroads. The chef that opened it is the chef that catered Ellen and Portia's wedding...so I knew it would be amazing. What I didn't know is that my body would be transported to a world of chocolate tulips and a secret handshake with Britney Spears. HOLY SHIT. That place was amazing. Seriously the food was possibly the best I have had ever. They really know what they are doing there. They even refold your napkin and place it on the table when you go the bathroom. We got lots of little plates to share: hearts of palm calamari, crabcakes, lasagna, chicken parmesan, fava bean soup, tortelloni and chocolate mint pie for dessert. It was insane. We had a wonderful date night and finally got a picture taken of us that wasn't a selfie.
|Soon to be spouses|
|oh god yes.|
OH. Forgot to mention that two seats down from J was the actor who plays James on Scandal. And Moby was behind me (of course he was).
I also just started this new year off with a badly badly needed pair of new Converses. My old faithfuls died awhile back; their battered body remains on the deck...I listened to the Distillers all the way to the store and back. I've still got it, I swearrrrrrrr.