Saturday, September 13, 2014

it's the weekend.

East coast time has me still waking up super early, needing to pee, and wanting to eat.  It's hard for me to sleep in when I know breakfast could always be happening instead.  Oatmeal with flaxseed,walnuts, brown sugar and coffee…but I do need the sleep, though.  

Last week we were on vacation (well, visiting family-vacation) in North Carolina.  We hadn't been back there together in two years.  We swam in the ocean, hung out in New Bern, and spent time in the country.  It's so freaking awesome going somewhere and not feeling the pressure to be "getting stuff done" or "accomplishing something".  I completely cut off from all things LA and normal life (even though I probably *should* have checked in with my online college class - oops) because for the first time in a long time, I just wanted to BE. And for us to relax. And get to be relaxed people that just married each other.  Without work or careers or tasks to do or think about.  Nothing but eating, drinking, swimming in the ocean, and walking around to get coffee.  It was fabulous.

But now we are back to reality, which is a busy place, and the past few days I have been waking up earlier than my alarm, and then wanting to crash by early afternoon.  Tonight we have a music show to go to (our talented, sweet friend who sang and played at our wedding's band), I've got a rehearsal and lots of script work to do, a yoga class (with my new job the weekends are my only chance for yoga so I've got to force myself), and to figure out when and how to walk the dog since it's going to be about 200 degrees outside for the next week.  I HATE HEAT WAVES.  And why, why is this happening at the same time Halloween napkins are in the grocery stores?!? I am beyond ready for fall.  We just experienced our summer last week in NC, thank you very much, and now I'm moving on to fall and winter.  I hate knowing that in LA, things like heat waves are just getting warmed up and that the worst is possibly yet to come.  What I would give for seasons…

Being super busy now (with school - why did I agree to this again?- and work and regular taking care of house things) forces me to work to find the space to working on my acting career, which, while scary and slightly stressful, is pretty good at stoking the fire to get me going.  There's a sense of "Oh shit, if I don't do it now, or make myself work on this, I can so easily get lost in this and wake up three years later in the same place".  So, for that I'm thankful because I needed that.  And doing lots of other things also reminds me of what I'm not and who I am and what I'm 100 percent meant to do with my life.  I notice it when I'm at my job - how I'm constantly using it as an excuse to be pretend I'm Claire from House of Cards and all the other moments when I realize so much of my experience of life and who I am revolves around playing someone else or pretending I'm in a different world.  A few weeks ago, after not auditioning for awhile or really being busy with acting at all, I had a realization.  I was so busy with "being me" everywhere (at my job, I'm Catherine, at school, I'm Catherine, at the grocery store, still Catherine) that I noticeably felt the empty space inside me that's reserved for when I'm other people.  And then it hit me - other people go about their lives always being them! What? I checked with J to confirm my suspicion.  They go everywhere, do everything, and are always coming from a place of THEM.  That's so weird to me.  I realized that if I don't act, I *feel* it, like when you are lacking a vitamin or something.  It's an exercise of my soul that needs to happen.  

That's all there is for now.  That and trying to stave off my period for just one more day.  In the meantime I just want to cry inside an igloo and punch people in the face. Happy Saturday!

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