Monday, November 11, 2013

a love song

I'm getting over being sick and haven't written in forever.  Not because I've been sick, but because every time I remember I have this blog, I'm conveniently stuffing my face with pistachios in the kitchen and I tell myself one day I will become really witty and insightful and have something awesome to say. Something cool.  Something that Meg from A Practical Wedding would say.  Something that would encourage me to put on my broken, sideways glasses (I really really need new ones).  But I'm just here, watching Dateline, with a sore throat and practicing breathing through my nose.

I'm not even sure why I have this blog because I'm a private person and don't really like technology.  I'm not even sure why people like blogs these days. I have one that I follow religiously (mentioned above, ahem) but that's it.  But these blogs where people just write about their lives and we're all supposed to jump on board? I don't know.  I'm not sure what that says about us.   Are we finding ways to connect and build community or are we really just desensitizing ourselves to real human contact and living in a false reality where you can make your identity whatever you want..You can be the person that you wish you were in the aisle at Whole Foods.  You know, when someone's walking by you on the trail and you both do that halfway-hello thing that sounds like a baby meerkat asking if dinner's ready yet.  Maybe?

I just watched a video someone posted on Facebook; it touched a nerve.  It talked about the distress and fear in my gut that I've been dealing with for so long.   The contradiction between things being so beautiful, so full, so intertwined in my soul, and things being so temporary, so fleeting, so foreign - so much so that I'm just a doll dropped into a dollhouse trying to figure out how to fend for herself.  To find the way out.  To get back home.

I'm realizing, through many storms and forests of panic and anxiety, that Home is actually in the impermanence.  In the uncertainty.  In the fragility.  Home is not escaping fragility; Home is inside of Fragility.  Home sits in the eye of vulnerability.  Where my fears rub against my insides, where my love softens my shoulders.  For so long I have been so petrified to be alive because it means one day I won't be.  Holding anything takes strength, owning anything takes responsibility.  My fear is not my enemy- it shows me where my boundaries are, where I feel safe, and more than anything, it shows me the gaping holes that desperately need to be filled with faith.  It shows me where I'm empty, where I need to connect.  It's a love song from the universe to me.  It gets loud when I don't listen, and when I do,  it gets so quiet- so much so that I am drawn closer and closer until we are one again.

7 comments:

  1. I know exactly what you mean, re: But these blogs where people just write about their lives and we're all supposed to jump on board? I don't know. I'm not sure what that says about us. Are we finding ways to connect and build community or are we really just desensitizing ourselves to real human contact and living in a false reality where you can make your identity whatever you want.

    I can't count the number of blogs I've started and abandoned over the past decade. I get so inspired, like you said, start something up, decide it's only a facet of me after a week or a month, and then get inspired to start something else. I think the key is in finding your "shtick" as they say. I think it's easier to start with one solid concept {for Meg, it was her wedding; for me, it's not preventing pregnancy} and instead of making you just a one trick pony, it focuses your readership and your writing, while at the same time allowing for other facets of your personality to spill out through the cracks and conversations you cultivate {10 points for alliteration!}

    Or something. I'm winging this {uh...no pun intended?} soooo who knows where I'll be a month from now!

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    1. I'll be your reader if you be mine :) Hehe, and yes me too - about the starting and abandoning blogs. I can be kind of self-depricating too and have the idea in my head that if I write about my life that makes me seem self- righteous or trying to act like I have it all together or "let me tell you how to be cool" which I am so NOT. I just like community, and it's hard because I also don't like contributing to the idea of "cool" or celebrity or that there is one way to live or a "better" way etc etc...so can't find the right words right now, ha.

      And you are so right about having a niche. Yours is great by the way. I can't wait till we get to that spot (the babymaking spot). I loved Meg's advice on the last happy hour - I just need to have self-trust and "write like a motherfucker" as she said ;) Thank you for your comment :)

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  2. I get what you are saying and wonder that too- especially since I'm a pretty private person as well. I started a blog in 2011 and was trying to be something - something like Meg from A Practical Wedding or other big blog. I shut it down after less than a year because it was really frustrating. I felt like I was trying to get into an "in" group. Not as much anymore, but for awhile A Practical Wedding was a bit of a cool girls group (I'm sure not intentionally). As it has become more of a business and less of a blog, I don't get that feeling from it as much.

    Now I know my audience, I'm writing for myself and for my friends and family. My friends and family don't really comment but they send me emails if they find something particularly funny or comment in person when they see me next. I see it as a way to stay connected to the people in my life, to motivate me to take pictures, to practice writing. Through the blog I've realized what I am really interested in - food and sustainability. I'm not sure I would have come to that realization without focusing on what I'd like to write about twice a week.

    If I happen to meet new people through this medium, I see it as a bonus akin to making friends through my running group. That is also a hobby I do for myself but has an added bonus of connecting me to a community.

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    1. P.S. you had my interest with your tag line of feminist, vegan and pitbulls!

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    2. Pitbulls are the best :)

      And yeah, I figured at first I'll just write about literally anything and over time it will evolve into what I feel most drawn to write about, or, something, ha. From what I have learned from Meg from APW, I need to not worry so much about "waiting till I have the perfect *right* product" - that it will evolve and that what matters is DOING IT. I'm trying not to judge myself.

      And Row, where are you from - APW? How did you find this page?

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    3. Andddd I just saw your blog and am totally following it :) Pictures of doggies!!!

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    4. I found you from the first onwinging it post!

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