24

Yesterday was my birthday (and Freud's!).  Today is the first chance I am getting to just sit and breathe for a second as the last two weeks have been chalk-full of deadlines and dentist appointments ( I am never getting a cavity again, ever) and doctor visits.  Just so we're clear, I do not do well with these things.  My nerves have been on an electric trampoline for quite a few days..

I noticed the buildup of feeling as my birthday approached - it's crazy (and magical) how your body and psyche have their own well of wisdom and rhythm.  Birthdays are transitions, and I could feel the pot starting to stir and simmer.  Like I've written about many times, time passing is something I have always mourned and struggled with as a kid. (If you have too, I recommend this book.)  Moving forward means you are no longer in the past, it means letting go; you can't have it all.  My soul aches for my childhood and for every single second that I will never revisit.  I wish I could record everything.  Its why I start songs over when they get three quarters of the way through because I hate endings and never want the emotional universe I'm in to stop.  Especially as I get into the "adult" years, birthdays stir up my subconscious knowing that we are mortal and that people I love will leave one day.  That I will leave one day.  It   doesn't matter how far off it is- my insides feel life's thin skin despite it's sturdy body.  I become so acutely aware of the groundlessness and I feel it in my bones.  I crave a tether, an anchor.  When I am really busy and don't have the time to sit and make space for my feelings, when I stuff them down in order to function throughout a busy day, that's when the storm mutates into bodily anxiety, which then triggers the panic.  This morning I was able to take some time for my feelings and surrender to the space of the unknown.  When I am able to just let go, to submit to the current, when I can touch upon the gold nuggets of sadness, grief, and fear, I simultaneously am able to bring my joy, gratitude, love, connection, and my warm-melting-heart into the light.  I  like to think of feelings as weather.  Our pain, sorrow, and grief are clouds that must be felt and released in order to experience true sunlight.  If I'm afraid of the rain, I only thicken the clouds' coverage. Our feelings encompass such a beautiful spectrum, such rich fruits that this existence bears.

J had the day off yesterday so we were able to celebrate our anniversary of engagement (my birthday last year!) and my birthday together.  We did several wedding errands and had breakfast at my favorite vegan restaurant in our neighborhood (I say neighborhood and not universe because our dinner date changed everything!).  We had dinner reservations at this new-ish fancy vegan restaurant called Crossroads.  The chef that opened it is the chef that catered Ellen and Portia's wedding...so I knew it would be amazing.  What I didn't know is that my body would be transported to a world of chocolate tulips and a secret handshake with Britney Spears.  HOLY SHIT.  That place was amazing.  Seriously the food was possibly the best I have had ever.  They really know what they are doing there.  They even refold your napkin and place it on the table when you go the bathroom.  We got lots of little plates to share: hearts of palm calamari, crabcakes, lasagna, chicken parmesan, fava bean soup, tortelloni and chocolate mint pie for dessert.  It was insane.  We had a wonderful date night and finally got a picture taken of us that wasn't a selfie.

Soon to be spouses

I wanted to photograph all of the food at dinner but it didn't seem like the type of place to take a phone out at dinner (YES!) but here are leftovers of the glorious chicken parmesan.  Sorry if leftovers aren't enticing to you.  They are to me, and the longer I can extend the memory of those morsels of God, the better.

oh god yes.

OH. Forgot to mention that two seats down from J was the actor who plays James on Scandal. And Moby was behind me (of course he was).

I also just started this new year off with a badly badly needed pair of new Converses.  My old faithfuls died awhile back; their battered body remains on the deck...I listened to the Distillers all the way to the store and back.  I've still got it, I swearrrrrrrr.

gettin' all bridal

Wow so much to write about!  I just had one of the best weeks of my life!  I had been looking forward to this week for a very long time.  One of my bridesmaids (one out of four) was flying out here to go to bridal salon appointments with me.  I hadn't seen her forever, and I really don't have any friends here in Los Angeles - not BEST friends at least - my core soul mate group of friends is scattered across the country.  Sigh, we've all grown up.  The star of my social life is my fiance, which is wonderful (I'm kind of a homebody and particular with humans), but it was going to be awesome to have one of my best friends in person- face to face- HERE with me.

So Monday rolls around and I'm so excited.  I pick Anna up at the airport and we get delicious lunch at Veggie Grill (all vegan - I get the Buffalo Wing Salad and a side of mac n cheese!) and head home to see the puppymuffin, go on a walk, get settled, etc.  She had never seen our place so it was exciting to show her everything and walk through the neighborhood.  The fiance got home from work late that night and we were all three drinking the drink of our house- the Paloma - and watching lots of Dateline-esque shows.  Around midnight, my fiance said she needed to go get something from the car she had wanted to show us....a few minutes later one of the best moments of my life happened...

She walked in the door with  MY SQUISH.  I haven't talked about my Squish on here yet, but she is my curly-headed best friend in the world - the Melissa to my Courtney ( if you follow that reference please be my friend), the Squish to my Squirt.  We've known each other since we were ten doing community theatre together.  Squish (real name- Devan) has not seen me in LA since, like, 2009.  She has not met my dog Starbelly, or seen our home, or any of my life out here in years.  We only get to see each other when we are both back in North Carolina and lately it's been for only like hours at a time, twice a year or something.

I automatically burst into tears.  I couldn't look at her for two hours because I didn't believe she was real.  She must be a Squish Hologram.  I didn't know they started making those but apparently they did.  My amazing, wonderful, kind, thoughtful, generous, sweet, giving, perfect fiance had arranged the whole surprise, bought her tickets and everything and had kept it from me for weeks.  Seriously the best Christmas present I could ever get - hands down, the best.   We all stayed up until 3 am talking and drinking and freaking the fuck out that this was real.  It was awesome.  I have never felt so special or loved in my life- having my favorite people all in one room....It meant so much to me.

Ove the next three days we ate lots of amazing vegan food - had to introduce Squish to my favorite spots : Mohawk Bend, Bulan Thai, and of course we went to Flore.  We went to three different bridal salons and I highly recommend them if you are in the LA area:

Bride in Echo Park was awesome.  Very small and boutiquey - the salon owner Maria is so down to earth and friendly and helpful and custom makes gowns as well as carries a great selection of vintage gowns and independent designer gowns.  I tried on a vintage gown that I surprisingly loved, but don't think it was The One.  Although, if I was buying a separate reception dress I might have gotten it.  Oh and did I mention the prices are amazing??

I fell in love with this black wedding dress that I'd totally wear if I was getting married on Halloween or something!

Next we went to Claire Pettibone, who is like a Magical Fairy Woman and I'm pretty sure that she has actual fairies make her gowns.  Her salon is literally in a princess castle and is a dream come true.  Really fell in love with one which, for obvious reasons, will *not* be posted here!

On Thursday,  we went to Heaven on Earth, aka Lovely in West Hollywood. Oh. My. God.  That place is so freaking darling and adorable and I want to live in it.  I mean...it's just...my dream bedroom.  The girl helping us, Whitney,  was soooo cool and friendly and I loved her so much I almost wanted to ask her to be a bridesmaid!  Or at least let me bring her coffee or something.  Their selection was *incredible* and SO up my alley.

Here's one that I would so wear if I was getting married on New Year's Eve:

(Oh and this is just the changing room - notice my Squish in the background- the rest of the salon is light pink with chandeliers and a giant heart shaped light installation on the wall)


I was so surprised that the style of gowns I *thought* I was going to love, the ones that live on my Pinterest board, did not end up being what looked good on my body.  When I put them on, they just didn't feel bridal enough or something.  They were gorgeous gowns but just...fell flat to me.   I ended up falling in love with a totally different kind of cut.

There's a really good chance I found the dress...

Squish and Anna are gone now and now the fiance, Starbelly, and I are like empty nesters.  Now...one week until my parents get here for Christmas and we've still gotta get our tree this weekend!

I feel so so lucky and grateful right now, and can't believe I happened to find the most thoughtful person in the world to marry.  Just the other day I was listening to Hanson on the trampoline in the backyard....and now I'm establishing credit and a family of my own.  Wow.