back from boulder!

Okay, so I am fighting a nap right now as I write this - for some reason I'm resisting lying down for fifteen minutes.

We were just in Boulder, CO for wedding meetings and to have a slice of winter for Buddha's sake.  There was beautiful snow on the ground, I squealed when we first got out of the car...I miss winter so much.  We flew Southwest from Burbank to Denver and seriously it's the best way to fly.  I didn't know I loved Southwest.  We left early in the morning (the way I like it - sun carries less of a *doom* feeling) and the pilot was joking and making everyone laugh as we boarded.  Our flight was less than half full so there was a ton of space.  I wish every flight was like that.

We arrived to this:

I have always dreamed of a winter wedding...with snow on the ground, lots of sparkles and glitter on the clothes...hot chocolate...spiked warm drinks..fireplaces...mmm.  Oh well, spring will have to do.

Our cabin:

The Dining Hall, where our reception will be :

We're both getting so excited now.  Walking around the cabins, imagining everyone living in this little wedding village..It's kind of like my dream Washington state wedding that I always wanted - but in Colorado.  We really lucked out with our vendors too.  We met with our photographer Jamie, who is a young married who just had a baby girl.  I love meeting other girls around my age at my stage of life - it's very empowering.  I found her through APW, so I obviously trust her, and we got a discount :)

We also met the new event coordinator at the Dining Hall who is lovely, and had a heavenly food tasting.  Seriously I am so excited about the food. Food is my favorite part of being alive (and maybe Nirvana too). Sooooo excited about the food.  I'm not going to post our menu details till after wedding, but there's a Southern influence and it's all vegan except for a fish option in the entree and a seafood appetizer.  Very grateful to have a supportive spouse to be ;)

We met our officiant, Carolyn Carpenter, and she is divine.  We found her on a whim through the internet and luckily we totally clicked.  She sent us so much information on different rituals from various cultures and ceremony ideas- I can't wait to start planning the ceremony.  

J gets all the credit for finding a great planner for us - Katie James of Little Bird Celebrations, who actually was born in J's hometown.  

It takes such a load off to feel like you have other people on your team that know what they are doing.  It's not just us anymore.  

Lots of J's best friends from her college family still live in Boulder so we spent lots of time meeting up with them.   One of the things I am looking forward to the most is all of our friends and families meeting and our worlds finally colliding!

Valentines breakfast:

Out & About

We also got our rehearsal dinner location squared away.  Checked a lot off our list!  Now we should actually think about ordering those invitations, geez.  I was wishing we could stay another week...I was daydreaming about an alternate reality where we could live there and we could breathe fresh air everyday and sit in creeks...sigh.

Article on Ritual

Ironic, on Facebook today the site Elephant Journal shared this article, which is literally exactly what I was blogging about yesterday!

Perfect timing and wonderful article!

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/02/why-sensitive-souls-need-rituals-kathryn-nulf/

feeling life and creating ritual

This wedding transition brings up a lot.  I've been waiting till I'm REALLY out of it to do a proper post on it, but that's pretty impossible too because it's probably too big for typing and screens.  Nothing could do it justice. Throughout the journey of the past year, I've gotten really close with my existential anxiety.  That's such a funny way to describe it, too, because I just call it being alive and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. 

 As a highly sensitive person (if you think you might be one of these people, I recommend the book Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aaron), I have always been acutely aware of time passing, moments slipping away, death, mortality, etc...basically one big constant connection to the sadness and pain of loss.  Loss of this moment, loss of that person I just saw in the grocery store and I wonder about their family and I hope they are doing okay - I feel like the Loss Fairy sometimes.  But underneath my pillow I get the "existence hangover" instead of money.  Instead of being all excited about my new tooth that's going to come in, I get anxiety.  And the problem is, our culture is very ignorant about and dismissive of anxiety (which again, I simply call "feeling life").  There are no tools taught on how to feel your feelings.  That is the opposite of the mentality society creates.  We are conditioned to move on, that feeling is weak, that we cannot handle big feelings, and the list goes on.  We are completely void of connection to our bodies and What We Actually Are.  We are in complete denial of the blueprint of our psyches and our feeling-bodies, and yet we wonder why we find ourselves short-circuiting?  Doesn't matter, there's a pill for that.  We are a culture of "fixing" and instant gratification and there's no time to slow down and feel.  To willingly feel the shift inside of the constant letting-go and then free-falling that leads to rebirth.  Our culture is so, so, so void of awareness of transition, or that anything is going on internally in our selves for that matter.  We live on the outside, our souls glued to material objects, running from instead of inviting in.  We project onto the outside world so we can avoid feeling.  Because it might be too scary to realize how vulnerable and fragile we are, and just how uncertain everything about our existence is.

 And when we touch down into that place of uncertainty, all hell breaks loose and we feel the surge of the forgotten and abandoned self come rushing to the surface.  It's that surge that we must learn to welcome, to sit inside, to call our friend.  That's the gold.  We then learn that the fear that has been preventing us from self is just that- fear.  Fear based on messages we picked up along the way that compartmentalized until we were frozen in our bodies, paralyzed by our world of things and doings.

Once we are in the free-fall, there is opportunity for reconnection, for true connection.  For tribal connection to the Earth as a heartbeat in its rhythm.  Getting married is a ritual, a rite of passage; marriage is tribal.  As a way to ground myself and bring meaning to and rooting to my existence, my therapist has often suggested finding ways to create ritual.  It's huge for us highly sensitive folk.  My therapist's son is very similar to me and together they have created rituals and meditations for him to do in the morning and at night.  My Buddhist practice requires ritual, although I have been SO lacking in my discipline lately.  When the morning and evening prayers are fully chanted, that's about an hour and a half a day.  Which, really, I should be able to do considering the time I spend writing online.  Making altars, setting a routine with meditation instead of just whenever I feel like it...Throughout this process I am trying to be more mindful of each moment, of the dance between the outside world and I.  I try to make conscious connections to the earth when I walk the dog, even when I wash dishes.  I try to send little prayers and words of gratitude and acknowledgement to the things my ripples reach.  

Last night a good friend of mine came over for hot tea and girl talk.  It's so good to have that sisterly/womanly/tribal bond.  Both of our spouses (spouse-to-be for me) were away and we were just two women, sitting by the figurative campfire talking about crops and babies.  And the moon.  We definitely need to make that a tradition.  I freaking love traditions.  Maybe that's why I love Christmas so much and the holidays.  It's rooting and grounding and you put your heart and intention into it.  The cooking, the decorations, the smells, the marking of another year passed.  The quietness.  The way that you turn inward, we stay indoors and stay warm and cozy.  And here in Los Angeles, we watch the fake fireplace on the TV and say things like "It's FREEZING out there!!!" 

This week we are going to Boulder to meet with wedding people and taste food and FINALLY HAVE WINTER BECAUSE IT'S SNOWING THERE.  I can't wait.  It's also another opportunity to set intention for our wedding day- FOUR MONTHS AWAY- and share energy with the nature that will bear witness to our union and hold us as we cross to the other side.  

when people leave

I didn't even know Philip Seymour Hoffman's work that well (I'm ashamed to say) but it doesn't lessen my sadness around his death.  I always feel a somewhat selfish connection to people I admire.  But it's more than admiration.  It's a sense of understanding, of feeling that that person, too, feels the spectrum of emotion and existence.  That they "get it".  That they are somehow a kindred spirit of mine ( I told you it was selfish).  There's something in the eyes, in the essence, in the energy.  That we've both seen something and understand. Death is always sad and thought provoking, especially when it grips someone so talented, so dedicated to their craft, and yet so helpless at the hands of drugs.  I didn't see this one coming at all.  Drug-related deaths leave me feeling bewildered, confused, frustrated, and just plain sad.  Sad for his partner, for his three children, for all of his loved ones that have to hear the news today.  Sad for his spirit, which is flying now, on to the next, but hopefully always hovering and intertwined in those he loved and was loved by.  Sad because he wasn't "taken" from us, this wasn't some random tragedy.  He was 46 years old and he took himself away.  Addiction leaves gaping holes in its path..

It's unfortunate that it's incidents like these that force you to reflect, to reconnect, and to pay gratitude.  I am grateful for his work, for the example he set for actors and artists.  He reminds me of why I want to act in the first place, he takes me back to the roots, to the heart, that often gets lost in the limbs and muscle of a career.  I am thankful for the opportunity to experience the spectrum of life in a healthy way - through acting, through bringing souls together.  Through bridging gaps and reminding us that we are not alone, that we are one breathing body with one heartbeat.  His death reminds me to wake up, to stay alive, to keep going.  He reminds me of my pure love for acting.  His death cleaned my lens, the lens that so often sees the bullshit and the phoniness of this business.  With a clean lens, I am thankful that I get to act, and that I have his work to watch and to remind me of my own heart.

I am just so sad it has to be with this way.  "It's not fair"s are trickling through my mind.  I hate death.  I always have.  I want them all here.  I don't like goodbyes, I don't like endings.  I can't handle the sadness it brings, and I can't even begin to imagine the pain his family is feeling.  It's not fair.  I'll sit with my anger and sorrow and act like I am at peace with death, but it's the furthest thing from the truth.  I hate it.

bridesmaids, flowers, and the promise of burritos.

So it's Thursday and I just slept until 1pm.  1:08 actually.  I never do that.  It was J's day off, so that means its my day off (usually), and right now I'm sitting in my Christmas PJs (I will never abandon you) waiting for her to bring us back some burritos for breakfast.  I've been getting up pretty early every morning and haven't really slept in in awhile, so I guess, yeah, I'm glad.

Bridesmaids dresses are really frustrating.  I have all of these pins of dresses I like on Pinterest, yet I cannot find where you actually buy them or who makes them anywhere.  I did track down my dream dresses -FINALLY- only to find that a designer girl makes them and she makes nothing cheaper than 1,000.  Dollars, that is.  What?!? Ok I'm hoping to find dresses definitely under 100, ideally under 50.

Here is a picture of my crushed dreams:

I want to just stumble upon the perfect unique dresses without even trying, like in some magical DIY movie.  It's crazy that this whole thing is in like 5 months.  I know it will fly by.  Oh, and can I mention how expensive flower-people are?? And planners?? I really want to try to do a lot ourselves, together, like the Bridal Brigade APW always talks about, but it's complicated since we are so far away from the location.  I'd actually love to look into more community/DIY flower options like this too (Whole Foods too, since Trader Joe's isn't in Boulder) , but I don't want to be stressing about if the flowers are going to die, and all that, because my flowers like to die.  BUT I mean if it means saving 2000 dollars, hell yes.  I'm excited about trying to find ways to DIY this thing anyway, since it's not like we can load up the car and transport lots of stuff easily.  

We've got soooo much to do in five months.  But I'd rather do everything all scrunched together than to drag this sucker out, especially since I have a really flexible schedule and can do lots of research and planning.  

I took a break in writing this post to eat vegan taquitos with beans and guacamole and a burrito and have  some coffee.  Wish I could wrap this thing up with some wit or closure, but not happening.  

dinner and the death of Christmas.

Last night, after a day of some pleasant (breakfast at Flore - hello vegan chicken and waffles and country breakfast to share, hiking in Malibu overlooking the ocean on an isolated trail) and not-so-pleasant (our dog aka cross between wild tiger and great white shark and occasionally Mother Theresa acting psycho in the long car ride...) adventures, J and I made a really yummy Italian style dinner.  To go along with finishing Season 2 of Scandal of course.  (I am so over the freaking relationship between Olivia and Fitz by the way. And please retire the phrase 'leader of the free world'.)

We got a really yummy Spanish wine (ok, not Italian) that was seriously the best red wine I've had in a while. I discovered some vegan frozen ravioli at Whole Foods and brought home two different kinds- Spinach Florentine and Butternut Squash.  We went with spinach last night.  J was in charge of the marinara sauce, and she added some onions and garlic and salt.  I cooked some broccolini and we mixed it in with the sauce and ravioli.  I also made a big salad, the kind I usually make, with spinach and romaine (although I love arugula too) with celery, carrots and my dressing - I mix olive oil, squeeze lemon, poppyseed dressing, mustard and pepper.

Yeah, so, that was that.

I can't talk about the joys of dinner without mentioning the tragic activity that took place right before.  We took......we took......we (oh god this is hard!) TOOK OUR TREE DOWN.  Yes, I said it.  It's dead, it's gone, it's a mere memory.  It's dead body is upside down in our garbage bin outside.  I can't wash a dish without seeing it's pitiful legs sticking straight up at me.  What have we done????

I also just packed the Christmas decorations away.  As we recover and decide where to go from here, I will be sweeping, swiffering, deck cleaning, clothes folding - anything that will wash away my sins.  

Dear tree, Dearest Christmas, please come back next year.  Please forgive us. 

letting go

I had a rough night last night. I went to a yoga class at a studio that I rarely go to, not my “home” studio, in an effort to get out of my head and grounded into my body. I have been feeling a bit of body anxiety the past week or two, understandably, as there is so much going on right now. After bow pose, when you rest for a moment on your stomach, I always hate that I hear my heartbeat so loudly in my boobs. I feel it pounding into the ground. And it's only on one side because, you know, your heart is on one side, but hearing this little muscle go from really loud to “wait, where'd it go?!?!” always freaks me out. I get a little moment of panic in the second where the loud throbbing heartbeat all of the sudden runs away. I know it's just my body doing it's thing, but it scares me. It reminds me that I am a body, made up of working parts, and that I am just a girl swimming in mortality.

I came home, did some breathing exercises, tried to lean into the anxiety, to welcome it in. This is something I have been working on that's been helping. The fear of the fear is the problem, is what creates even more panic. The natural urge to distract myself, to make the feelings go away is what creates even more tension and sends the message to my insides that yes, there really is something to be afraid of, and that you can't handle it. In the past (almost) year, I've been forced to learn about my fears, my anxieties, where they come from, and how I can welcome them, how I can rewrite the scripts that play in my head. When you accept the challenge, when you open that door and are willing to feel it all, you learn and grow so much but you also invite it ALL in. Despite how overwhelming it's been, I can honestly say that my panic has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It has forced me to reconnect to my spirituality, to my intrinsic connection to this Earth. It has forced me to stop abandoning myself, to keep listening. It has taught me to embrace every feeling, to hold the shadow and the light in equal value. To welcome all feelings with equal compassion.

It has brought so much knowledge and awareness into my life. It has caused me to go back to school to study psychology. It has caused me to consciously make the choice to believe my courage rather than my fears – because I do get to make the choice of who I want to believe. It has taught me to listen to that voice in my acting. It has taught me to listen to that voice in my relationships.

It's not easy, it's actually the hardest thing I've ever done. As painful as it's been, I wouldn't trade the awareness I've gained for the world. Sure, it would be awesome if I was born one of those people that never has a care in the world, but that's not me. And I choose to view my anxiety as a gift, as my smoke signal to connection to existence and spirit. I choose to view my sensitivities as gifts, not problems that need fixing. Because that very mentality is so detrimental.

If you struggle with anxiety or panic, there is nothing wrong with you. What's wrong is the fact that culturally we aren't raised with the tools to learn from our feelings, to embrace ALL feeling and to observe them, to be mindful of them. Because we are not our thoughts or our feelings. Our thoughts and feelings are reflections of our inner world, and there is so much healing and peace to be gained by choosing to learn from them instead of living IN them. Inner peace and healing come from feeling every shade of every feeling, not from only feeling a certain spectrum of feeling, a narrow spectrum that is acceptable and celebrated. The more we observe and embrace each feeling, no matter how painful, the more we invite them in, the less tension we will feel inside, the quicker the brewing storm clouds can dissolve into rain and wash through us.

So yes, this week has been hard. I'm dealing with a lot of painful feelings from my mother. I'm having to constantly hold my own hand and remind myself that I am doing just fine, that I am loved wholly for who I am. I just ordered my wedding dress, like for real. Holy cow it was so surreal. (Did you catch that rhyme? I'm also considering becoming a rapper) The first time I tried it on, back in December, and was pretty sure I had found the one, I was so calm and no-big-deal. This time, when I tried it on again...as “the dress” and got measurements and all that, boyyyy did I feel some panic. And yes, I am saying online that I felt panic when I put on my wedding dress because this shit needs to be said. It needs to be normalized. You're making the biggest decision of your life so far, aside from bringing other little lives into the world, and it's completely normal (and sane!) to freak out a bit, or a lot. I was standing there in the gown that will usher me into the New Me. The gown that represents my new identity, and the letting go of the old one. The dress that when I put it on I will be a single girl, a daughter, and when I take it off I will be married, a wife, will have birthed a brand new family. So it's huge. And it needs to be treated as such.

Oh, and last night at 4 am Starbelly threw up a Christmas ornament. I knew she wasn't feeling well yesterday afternoon – she did that thing where she tries to put everything in her mouth and acts like she's going to throw up. She was fine by nighttime though. So when we woke up to her having thrown up, and noticing a Christmas ornament from our tree in the remains....well, I was worried. She seemed fine and went back to sleep, we cleaned up and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep for awhile as I was listening really intently to see if she got up or was making strange noises. I was worried and couldn't relax. I felt as if I might as well had swallowed the ornament. As I laid in bed trying to let it go, I thought of how J was easily back asleep. I thought of how if I were out of town, she would have simply cleaned it up, gone back to sleep, and not given it a second thought. She is not a worrier. I thought of how if I were not home, I wouldn't have had any control or responsibility over this, and there would be peace in our home- J and puppy sleeping soundly as if nothing had happened. I knew that I was the one keeping the fear awake, cause everyone else in my house was so over it. I tried my best to let go, and eventually fell asleep. It's simple things like that that make me grateful for the peace of my fiance. The peace she encourages me to strive for (by simply being herself, not by words), to simply let go. I might not be completely worry free and I might never be, but it's the little things like the ease in which the rest of my family falls back asleep that reminds me that things are okay, that I'm not alone, that I can let go. And those things bring a smile to my heart and a warmth to my soul.

(As a disclaimer and in defense of myself, while I may be a worrier, I've got lots of great qualities that balance J's and Starbelly's and I keep this family running smoothly. No one packs a breakfast like me, and no one hugs the lady at the cleaner's like me. Oh, and I am freaking awesome at getting up in the middle of the night when the dog needs to go out in under 2.5 minutes. So there.)